World Trade Center

I just saw this movie the other day, after thinking I would never watch it. What upset me is that the stories that were told was of Americans who survived. The stories of why it was provoked and people who suffered more loss on that day were not chronicled. And there was a militaristic theology that was portrayed in the movie and a pro-war sentiment. Yet I think that they chronicle the grief process really well as well as the emotional reality of being at the edge of death well. However it struck me that if I have kids that this is one of the more acessible ways they will learn about this historic event that shaped the world forever.

Does Mission Have an Extroverted Bias??

I am reading a book for this mission developing class I am taking this summer called Living Lutheran: Renewing Your Congregation by Dave Daubert. I love how it uplifts notions of social justice and community.

Yet I actually think that it struck me that mission often has an extroverted bias. One of the lines said that "Most of us learn more in community than we do by ourselves. Almost all of us learn more when we discussed what we have listened to or read than when we simply listen to someone else or read their words on a page. The act of speaking requires us to put thoughts together, to synthesize ideas and turn them into points that other people recongnize when they hear them." I could not help but realize that this is the notion that mentors and teachers have often stressed to me on how adults learn. However it is not how I learn. I find that I enjoy good conversations and discussions about things quite a bit. I often get frusterated when I am expected to think of good responses to things on the spot in group situations. I remember once in a workshop that I was required to attend, a peer was frusterated with me in a group context telling me "Come on just tell us what you think, get it out." My response was "I do not know what I think yet. I need time to formulate my thoughts more." One of the things I get frusterated with in this way of teaching that is stressed is that I do enjoy interacting with other people but when I am given information and am expected to interact right away, I often have a hard time even knowing what I am thinking when I hear other people respond right away. Its easy for me to latch on to or react to what other people in the group are saying than it is for me to figure out my own response to the material. Yes, life throws me punches and I am capable of going with it. However I tend to not know what I am really thinking until I have had time to process it alone.

I had a well intended professor this last semester even who thought she was being helpful to us by not giving us a lot of writing assignments and having us come to class and discuss our questions and reactions to the material. For me I found that not having reading reflections assigned to us like some professors do to actually make do a lot more extra work for the class if I was going to be an active participant. However some of my other peers found this approach to be a releif from a lot of writing.

So I think that this approach to teaching in the church is probably not very friendly to people who are more introverted. In fact I think it might even scare them away! So how do you do mission to more introverted people? I think that having something like a Befrienders or Stephen Ministry would be to their liking, maybe even taking a creative spin on this that it does not need to be based in a need for pastoral counseling. I'm onto an idea here I think I would play with more. I also think that book study groups would be appealing as well. But it makes me think how the approach that mission often has is based in the extroverts world.

There is even a chapter in the book called "God prefers not to work alone." Another struggle point. Because I think that God works in the context of other people and in community quite a bit. However stressing this too much is hard for people who meet God in the quiet of nature, personal Bible study or personal meditation. Who maybe even prefer one on one conversations.

I think the challenge is that more of the population is extroverted than introverted. So introverts need to learn how to extrovert themselves to a certain degree in order to be sucessful. So how do we acknowledge that we need to find ways to serve both introverts AND extroverts to be a truly inclusive church.

Yes introverts need community too. But we need it in a different way. Stressing collaboration instead of everyone doing everything together has been a good way for me to feel better about working in groups. Although the amount of discussion about little things can seem annoying. I have often been in contexts as well where the mentality is that if you invite one person you should invite everyone. Having it be okay to invite just one or two people to do something would also make me feel better but the mentality of needing to include everyone in everything is a little stressful. With all of this in mind, how can we frame church in a way that there are opportunities that both introverts and extroverts can feel they thrive off of? How can we work together better? How can we tell people it is okay to be introverted, to be themselves and to be a part of the church? I often feel like introverts and extroverts have different gifts. However I also feel like extroversion is rewarded more as well. But I cant help but ask the question: Does mission tend to have an extroverted bias???

An Internship of My Own

I recently applied for and got offered an internship at a place called Pace e Bene. It is the nonviolence organization that my friend who did the Lutheran nonviolence training did. I got offered the job before the chaos of the weekend and I am planning on taking it. I just need to figure out how I want this to work, which I will be praying about this week while I have my own apartment. I got an email from the contextual education department at my school in which it basically said that my supervisor from my teaching parish site wants me to be in a different teaching parish placement. I wondered if this internship could get me OUT of my teaching parish by going on a deaconal ministry track. Some of it does have to do with my introversion where I really do want to have a private life outside the context of my work which I do not know how well it would translate over into some parish ministry settings. The other part of it that actually relates to my introversion is that when I am in settings that relate to something that I care deeply about I do not have to force myself to be more social. Whereas in settings that I do not have a point of identification with it is harder for me to be social. I do not really think that I am shy as much as the fact that I hate small talk really. Yet this gives me another sense of hope as well. I felt very much like I needed to be out of this particular parish. Suddenly my motive for this nonviolence internship has to do with the fact that I really want it and not that I want an out from this teaching parish. The question I am wrestling with is if I want to pursue this as my vocation or if I want to pursue this in addition to ordination. Prayers are requested right now...

PACKING

I just emailed my last paper in. So I am now offically done with my classes in Berkeley. Getting things in order to be in MN for the summer. Cancelling my long distance phone plan, changing my address for my New Yorker, packing my DVDs, sorting books and finding a ride to the airport for tommorrow evening is everything I have accomplished already.

I hate packing and cleaning. And I feel tired. But my plane leaves tommorrow evening and the more I get done now, the more painless it will be. However it will be a long night tommorrow night as well. The next task I am working on is a major cleaning job of my room. I am feeling really tired from everything to be honest. I will miss this place but I am ready to be out of here for awhile as well. Like I said, I feel tired. And I am also eager to see my family for my mom's graduation this weekend.

Sometimes time seems to fly too quickly. Other times however it drags out. It drags out for packing and cleaning anyway. And I am procrastinating this by writing on my blog right now.

It has been an interesting practice doing this blog this semester. I think I write more on here than in the emails. However the discipline of doing it for a class helped me to stay on top of it as well. Anyone have any thoughts on if I should continue???

Clerical Collar

In my ongoing clerical collar struggles, I just recently heard this on the npr webpage that i felt outlines some of struggles female clergy have. Check it out:
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5522718

Introversion and Ministry

I have been reflecting a lot about being more introverted and being in ministry lately. This has been triggered by the reviews that my supervisor had given me. I do not think that it is entirely inaccurate, but I think that some of it is too much about my personality. I do think that I am capable of adapting my behavior but I do not think I am capable of caring about things that I do not naturally care about. I think in the end that is what it has been boiling down to. I find that repeatedly my strengths tend to be for listening to people in one on one situations and for writing. I feel drawn to teaching and preaching from an introverted perspective because those are the situations in which research and the more thoughtful process is rewarded. During CPE I hated doing cold calls but loved doing crisis counseling. For teaching parish I have dreaded situations that have required all kinds of small talk. In the context of the community that I currently live in I love random one on one conversations that I find that I have. I sometimes feel clausterphobic sharing a kitchen with so many people and lost in a crowd for not feeling like I am truly intimate with anyone. My supervisor from teaching parish seems to be critical of me for not taking leadership on things that just strike me as common sense. I really have been weighing whether or not I truly can be more introverted and be in ministry or if I should consider some other kind of path that wouldn't force me to extrovert myself too much. Truly it will be impossible to find a job where I would not be required to extrovert myself to some degree but I think that some positions could appeal to my strengths as an introvert better than others could. I often feel like I would be able to handle ministry better if I had a romantic partner and a best friend in the vicinity that I lived in. In these questions I found this wonderful blog, www.introvertedchurch.com where this man is doing research on introversion and the church. One of the links I found on there was a link on marketing to introverts. http://topten.org/public/AF/AF633.html which I thought was great. I would agree with 9.5/10 of the items that they listed and felt completely understood. The -.5 would probably be on the statement on phones. While I do get annoid with people who answer their cell phones while I am around, I actually find that as an introvert I often have more of the conversations I thrive off of on the phone instead of in the context of coffee hour, a party and the dorm kitchen. However finding this stuff made me feel understood. Resources definitely worth following.

What I would rather do...

This is what I am planning on watching on abc.com tommorrow when I have completed my goals. Right now everything seems to be taking me forever! I can't wait to be done! This is why I need to have something to reward myself with along the way to keep moderately sane!!!

Mozart - The Magic Flute - Overture (Levine/Met Orch)

With my latest narrative on music, I guess its fair to note that this is my absolute favorite piece of music. It calms me down after a hard day. It makes me feel classy on a good day. It is hearing the overture to this opera and drinking a glass of red wine that makes me know that there is a God who creates beauty and wants me to hope fo the best in my life. Nothing makes me feel closer to God than the presence of this music.

Kelly Clarkson :: Breakaway

I used to listen to this song alot when I was feeling compelled to move out of Minnesota. Now that I am going to be back in Minnesota for the summer, I cant help but think of the song. At least I have developed a new life for myself out at the other end of the country.

Is It a Choice?

Found this cartoon in the movie "For the Bible Tells Me So" which I watched this evening instead of studying. I think it is a wonderfully inspiring movie in terms of uplifting a more compassionate theology on homosexuality. My criticism is more that is general to documentaries in terms of not going into more scholarly factual, details. I would have personally liked even more information as to the genesis of this homophobic theology in our culture and why that would have been appealing. More of a history of the movements that they did address would have been helpful too. It struck me that I do not know the reasons why Focus on the Family became popular or why Soul Force was even formulated. But the stories in the movie are so inspirational in uplifting a theology of love and acceptance. I really enjoyed this cartoon and hope you do too.

Closure

This last Friday, my class had a banquet together. It was a formal occasion, and I knew it was also going to be the last time I saw a lot of these people. I wanted to go all out with my apperance because of this. I thought of some ideas to cut my grocery bill in half in order to get my nails done. For the first time in four years, I got acryllic nails. My biggest fear around this? My accident where I broke a lot of bones but did not break a nail, so it was a bold step on my part. In my driving around Berkeley only a few hours before I did this, I thought of the clip from Legally Blonde that I posted. I was also sure to bring a bottle of my favorite kind of wine: Meritage (which is far more affordable in a bottle in CA than at a resteraunt or even buying the same bottle in MN...man I'll miss CA)

The banquet itself was interesting. I sat by the other single ladies in my class. It was an okay time. We had an awards ceremony where we all had to present to another person in the class. I realized that for as small as my class is that I could count on my hand the people in my class who I felt I would give an award proper justice and I felt would give me proper justice. Naturally, I had to present to someone who I have had few conversations with. I also felt like the award that I received about lighting up a room felt a little pretentious to me as well too. Only good things were said. Despite this, it just felt pretty tacky and fake to me.

Then there was a slideshow that was compiled and showed as well. In watching that, however, for some reason I felt like I was on the outside looking in. It struck me that I really have come to enjoy these people and to care for these people. However even the pictures that were shown of me seemed to capture this essence of my wanting to be included but not truly clicking with anyone as well. It was kind of an odd sensation. It made me realize how hard I have been trying to make seminary work on so many levels. Maybe I realized that at times I may have tried too hard as well.

I went to the after party as well. And it just seemed to stress the differences between myself and the people in my class. I was more into having actual conversations with people but everyone else seemed more interested in the little girl who was there and the video game that was going on. I realized that this was a huge point of difference for me as well. I would like to be married but I do not want kids in the near future and am glad that I do not currently have them. I realized how everyone else in the room seemed to be living out their parental fantasies with this little girl, which made me feel like the odd woman out.

I sometimes go away from these kinds of events feeling like I did not have alot of fun. I find myself reflecting over my interactions, often frusterated. I reflect over my behavior and my interactions in a way that confirms that I am a more introverted person, and my continous struggles in being a single woman. I thought and reflected over this the following day.

In this, I think that maybe it did help me have a sense of closure in my life here as well though too. These people have been my brothers and sisters for the past two years. I will miss them. But I havent had anything that has even been reminscent of having a best friend or a romantic relationship, which maybe in an odd way makes it easier for me to let go. But I will still miss them. However my reflections over such things I think has made it easier for me to have a sense of closure. So I continue onward to finish off my semester, ready to be done

A Systematic Theologian on Internet Dating Sites...

Okay, so I have had a bit of spring fever lately. So what else is a gal to do when she lives in a very small community? As to not put pressure on the friendships she already enjoys the obvious answer is to check out what the prospects on various internet dating sites may be! There are places like http://www.match.com/ However those places when I look at various factors that are important to me, for some reason Christian=politically conservative and Politically liberal=spiritual not religious very consistantly. I realize that these are things that are both incredibly problematic for me.

So, out of sheer curiosity, I found myself stumbling across a website for Lutheran Singles. You would think that I would be in my personal heaven. Maybe on a site like this, I would find someone more liberal leaning in their politics because of their faith, beleives in Jesus yet beleives that it is the grace of God who saves us, not our own works...

This is where I probably got even more frusterated than on match.com! I was shocked at how many men wanted a woman who could cook! Dont get me wrong, I enjoy cooking but I would find it very problematic to be with a man who wants to find that in a woman. I do not want to be some kind of indentured servant to a mans life by any means but to pursue things because I am interested in them. And would much rather prefer a man who was interested in me because we were both into more intellectually driven conversations and doing crazy things. Then I was shocked at how many men on that particular site were politically conservative because of their faith. This would be a huge problem for me as well. I hate labels because I am a liberal. And when my faith calls me to worry about those who are poor and oppressed how on earth I truly would have a hard time dating a man who felt like his faith called him to vote republican. Isnt there more verses in the Bible about caring about the poor than there is about things like homosexuality and abortion???? (And some of those sentiments are taken out of context as well...)

The other problem with any dating site too is the issue of defining oneself as well. Do I stress that I cant wait for my netflix to arrive or that I cant wait for my New Yorker to arrive? Do I stress that I find it emotionally exhiliarating at trying to stay in shape or that I frequent bookstores? That I enjoy having opportunities to do fun things with my friends occasionally or that I enjoy staying in, cooking my own food and quietly watching a DVD? That I would love to write another book or that I would like to learn how to dance or that I would love to do some kind of servant learning in an African country?

The seemingly easy thing to do is this: to examine what I am the most passionate about. I realize that I have more interests than I will ever have time to pursue. But my main driving passion in life is my understanding of my faith.

In this, when I look at an internet dating site, I can not help but wonder some incredibly geekish questions that really could help me find out the way a potential date truly thinks.

How does his christology influence who he votes for?
How does his soteriology influence how he treats other people?
What is his understanding about the most pressing issues that we are under ecclesiastically in this day and age?
What are his understandings of the roles of christ and culture?
In this world of religious pluralism, how does he make sense of his christian beleifs? How does he communicate to people who do not share these beleifs?
If he identifies as Lutheran, what is his understanding of how we are to live out Gods grace to the world?

In examining this list, it sounds like more of the beginnings of some kind of final test for systematic theology or some kind of church job interview--not the kinds of things you would ask over a dinner date! In this, I can not help but think thats seminary has probably spoiled. I am already kind of stubborn about my theological leanings and I have been given even more language and ways of looking at this which I have come to enjoy quite a bit. For someone insistant on not wanting to date another seminary student, well, maybe this is grounds for some serious self examiniation!

However, maybe if people didnt have such limiting stereotypical ways of classifying their views of faith and life, I wouldnt need to formulate such geekish questions. So, in the meantime, I would rather just enjoy the friendships I have developed here. And I am only at this end of the country for a few more weeks. Maybe these questions are a point of clarity for me as well. I truly love systematic theology and my lutheran heritage. Maybe I would enjoy someone who liked having such questions and who would prefer having whoever they date be intellectually grounded instead of just going around trying to find a date.

What on earth happened in my life that I feel this way? And maybe, I find the way people classify themselves on internet dating sites to be incredibly stifling, and maybe a little too pretentious for my sake. Or maybe the timing is off as well. Or maybe its a combination of both...
But these are the questions a systematic theologian asks on the dating field when people check off the box "christian". Maybe seminary has fostered my intellectual snobbery about such things a little too much for me to be able to enter match.com without asking difficult questions of people. Or maybe, the timing is just off. There is no definite answer to this question. However I am choosing to trust the grace of God more boldly still in this issue by doing the following: avoiding the prospect of internet dating...for now at least.

Just As I Am...

How much can a person change? This is a question that I have been pondering a lot lately. I think that we change best when we want to change. What set this pondering off is that I think that my conversation with my teaching parish supervisor yesterday was a lot more helpful than my last one with her. She said that she would like to see more leadership from me and that she wishes that I had fewer hesitations in the way I present myself. She cited people around the seminary who have a great presence about them, saying that people are drawn to that. And it was an odd reaction that I had to this particular critique about me: I can change my behavior but I can not change my personality. I can learn to foster leadership skills but I can't change who I am. I do not have a personality that always likes to be center stage all the time as the people she uplifted to me do. I have been critical of some of the people she mentioned for not being thoughtful enough in the way they present themselves to the world.

I think really, I am trying to learn how to effectively be myself and be in ministry. And there are things that I can change and learn from. However, I am not going to pretend to be someone that I am not either. The cross road for me though is that I can not help but think of how much I lost weight on the Southbeach diet and have kept it off. It really was a time in which I examined what my relationship with food was and changed to more physically healthy habits. Now, it kind of natural to think of non food alternatives to negative emotions. But it took me awhile to get there. The reason why I think of that diet is because I think it is one of the more concrete ways I realize that I have changed my behavior in seminary.

And yet, I do not want to become someone that I am just not either. There has to be a point in which who I already am is okay. Change can be a healthy, good thing, but I don't want to become someone that I am not either. Because I think that God wants me to be just as I am. I am feeling a delicate balance between wanting to be the best I can and wanting to be just as I am.