Just As I Am...

How much can a person change? This is a question that I have been pondering a lot lately. I think that we change best when we want to change. What set this pondering off is that I think that my conversation with my teaching parish supervisor yesterday was a lot more helpful than my last one with her. She said that she would like to see more leadership from me and that she wishes that I had fewer hesitations in the way I present myself. She cited people around the seminary who have a great presence about them, saying that people are drawn to that. And it was an odd reaction that I had to this particular critique about me: I can change my behavior but I can not change my personality. I can learn to foster leadership skills but I can't change who I am. I do not have a personality that always likes to be center stage all the time as the people she uplifted to me do. I have been critical of some of the people she mentioned for not being thoughtful enough in the way they present themselves to the world.

I think really, I am trying to learn how to effectively be myself and be in ministry. And there are things that I can change and learn from. However, I am not going to pretend to be someone that I am not either. The cross road for me though is that I can not help but think of how much I lost weight on the Southbeach diet and have kept it off. It really was a time in which I examined what my relationship with food was and changed to more physically healthy habits. Now, it kind of natural to think of non food alternatives to negative emotions. But it took me awhile to get there. The reason why I think of that diet is because I think it is one of the more concrete ways I realize that I have changed my behavior in seminary.

And yet, I do not want to become someone that I am just not either. There has to be a point in which who I already am is okay. Change can be a healthy, good thing, but I don't want to become someone that I am not either. Because I think that God wants me to be just as I am. I am feeling a delicate balance between wanting to be the best I can and wanting to be just as I am.