Classes Start Again Tommorrow

I think I finally got used to the pacing of this break. Now I feel like its too soon for me to go back to the craziness of classes tommorrow. I already discovered I accidently wrote a paper that is due next Monday, not tommorrow Monday. At least it was the mistake the other way around. It will be good to get back in the grove of things. However I just dont think that break was long enough!

SPRING BREAK: Adventures in Slowing Down

I have been quite enjoying my spring break...

Its easy to think that because I am in the bay area that I should just soak a lot of fun events in the area up. Its not like I dont enjoy doing that sort of stuff, its more that I have already done the things that people generally shouldnt miss. Also, vacation can also mean just enjoying life at my own pace and not necessarily trying to busy myself more. And honestly, staying in my PJs and starting my day watching "Friends" DVDs and/or finishing off a novel is seriously one of my ideas of what a vacation really can look like.

In fact, I have made an effort to busy myself less. There is something to just putzing around my room. To not trying to cook all my own food (or to make less complicated meals). To not rushing to get out the door. To having the time to get a hair cut and spend some time at a local thrift shop. To letting my energy set my pace.

I realize that its a good thing to try to stay on top of all my deadlines, to cook most of my food, to stay in shape. I realize I like my life and most of the patterns I have for myself are also quite healthy. However I rarely get a point where I am not rushing to get something done, and I am quite enjoying setting my own pace and not rushing to the gym or the grocery store because that is the only chance I will have for the week. I am enjoying trying to get things done to make the coming week managable not because it needs to get done soon.

Its hard for me to allow myself to slow down the first day or so but right now I am feeling that I dont really have enough time to adapt to a slower paced life that I sometimes crave. And I think I would be bored if my life was too slow. However it makes me realize how much of my life really is centered on a sense of productivity and how much I really need to take time to just relax more. I realize how truly exhausted I am from all of this constant activity and the rest of the semester will be in a hurry, so its nice to have this kind of time now. Thank goodness for reading week!

Lutheran Confessions and ELCA social statements

I have a lot of homework to do this week. Oddly enough, I am finding that other than reading Constituions, Bylaws and Continuing Resolutions of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in america, most of the stuff is things that I am actually wanting to do.

For my Lutheran Confessions class, I am working on a case study in which a teenage girl gets pregnant and doesnt want to tell her father who thinks that people who have sex outside of marriage are condemned by God. I am thinking of taking a look at the use of law and gospel in this case.

But I am doing some outside research, per usual, and found a paper that I wrote on teen pregnancy for a college social work class to be helpful. I also am looking at some of the social statements from the ELCA and found myself in absolute agreement with the ELCA's statement on abortion. http/www.elca.org/socialstatements/abortion which I find amusing because I always thought my stance on that was never articulated approprietely until I read that statement today. Why cant lutherans make their thoughtfulness and sense of paradox better known? It was refreshing to find that statement and yet it is a breath of fresh air from all the literature that seems to indicate that you need to choose between being pro-life and prochoice.

I also looked over the draft for the new sexuality statement, which I think that I appreciate as well as it provides a critical thinking moral voice to our changing world. It was longer and some parts didnt pertain as much so I found myself not meditating over it as much. I dont know how well it addresses poverty and homosexuality in a compassionate light so I cant give a definite stance on the statement. But what I did read struck me as very morally sound.

I think its refreshing to know that I am in agreement with the teachings of my church on things that can be deemed controversial in this day and age. But I also cant help but question if it would have been just as easy for me to be in line with these statements in college and high school as those tend to be times when one is more hormonally charged in addition to wanting to understand and explore other worldviews than what parents may hold.

Easter Madness Part Two: RELAXING

There was an Easter dinner on campus. I found myself not even wanting to go because I was so tired. I finally had an understanding as a pastors child what the events of Easter being done meant for my parents. We would drive to a hotel where we would do things like swim and watch TV and play cards. Easter dinner tended to be pizza in front of a movie.
So I found myself coming back from campus and CRASHING. Then I found myself watching Music Man and Enchanted, heating a pizza in front of the movie. Realizing that even though I enjoyed the teaching parish craziness, I had been looking forward to the moment of being done with it all and just relaxing by myself.
Although the theologian in me never stops, as I was watching Enchanted for the second time since I bought it this week, I could not help but think a deeper thought about that movie. What that movie does well is capturing the essence of a lot of the Disney princess fairy tales and bringing a fresh perspective on it in the real world of New York. Its hilarious and entertaining. And I couldnt help but think that not only every Easter, but every day in ministry to make ministry alive and fresh looking for new angles on the same stories and finding ways to bring it to our current world.
And as much as I dont want a couch potato mentality on life, I realize how relaxing it can be just to watch DVDs after a bunch of craziness. It helps me recharge.

Easter Madness Part One: Teaching Parish

This weekend has been a crazy weekend with teaching parish. The pastor's husband is a lawyer at a firm in the bay area. He was trying to get secular people to understand the demands on pastors at this time of year. He finally said think of being an accountant in tax season, now imagine that the tax season is in a week's period of time. I noted that as I felt that I had only been home for sleeping and eating.
Saturday we had a craft event with the families with young kids. That was actually kind of fun because most of the stuff was simple enough even for me with no hand eye coordination to do. However I lamented that I really enjoyed making these little candies, and was kind of releived to accidentally drop most of them on the ground on my way out the door. I got the tip from the pastors husband that to get the egg dye off my hands, use Clorox. So I went by way of safeway on my way home and that proved to be a useful tip.
Saturday evening the ELCA churches in the area met at a church and the pastors, teaching parish students and confirmation kids headed into Gregory of Nyssa in San Fransisco for their Easter Vigil. It was a long service but it didnt feel long. The choir was excellent, the priests and deacons were really good speakers. And for the hymns before and after the Eucharist we were taught dance steps and we danced. Afterwards, they had food for us. And they had things like fruit, cheese and meat. So they had more things I could justify eating than after a Lutheran service. We also got to process around the church as they listed all kinds of names of people of the world from history and current events to join us in worship. It ranged from Angela of Folingo to Galileo to Heath Ledger. All kinds of well known figures were mentioned. It was really powerful. The only time I cringed was at the mention of the late Jerry Falwell, but essentially he is a christian brother as well I suppose. But the service itself was so wonderfully festive. And it was fun to see some very creative ways of embracing worship.
Sunday morning I sang with the choir at church. One thing that was really neat is that there were 5 baptisms at church that day, not dissimilar from the way ancient catechumins were initiated into the christian faith: on easter. There was something really powerful about that. And there was no infant baptism at all. There were four school aged children and one adult who received the sacrament of baptism. It was quite powerful to see how excited one of the girls was to get baptized as she lit up by this whole event. Sometimes I have caught myself questioning if we really need this ritual at all if it is a matter of God meeting us and not us meeting God. (I'm such a good lutheran in that regard at least). However it really affirmed how powerful it is to have this ritual that says welcome into the family of God. And it was powerful to have this done on Easter where we are celebrating the resurrection of our Lord!
I realized that I have quite enjoyed most of the events of the week. I think that really the craft event was the only thing I didnt feel as drawn to as the rest of the events. Which makes me realize that within my questioning if I would make a good minister that if I enjoy this craziness that this is an affirmation of my sense of call!

Good Friday

Today in the service I sang with the choir and the readings for the day were broken up between myself, the pastor and the other teaching parish student. I dont consider myself a traditionalist in any regard however it seemed really weird not to sing "Were you there" or "Beneath the Cross of Jesus" for a Good Friday service. I realize that those hymns just scream good friday to me. So I came home and found those hymns in my ELW and felt the need to sing them.

However in the context of good friday I cant help but think of my own reaction to group behavior. If a group tends to not go in a direction that I am entirely pleased with, I strive for understanding. Maybe if the group seems receptive to it, I would offer critique. But if the group doesnt, I just back off. There are a lot of compromises that occur in the context of being with a group of people. Maybe thats why I sometimes prefer to do my own thing. But when I am in a group of people, I make sure that I dont say or do anything that would compromise the direction the majority of the group would be heading. Like I said I offer critique if it seems to be wanted. And some personalities are easier to do that around than others. And sometimes even if I dont agree with the sentiment the rest of the group has, I realize that the mood of the group is quite contagious. So if I am initially reflective but the rest of the group is in a joking mode, the joking mood wears off on me. If I dont like something but the rest of the group does, I will think of the reasons why I should be more positive. I think of my behavior in the context of a group on a good friday because I dont think I would have initially wanted Jesus to be crucified. However I think that it only takes a few people to think he would have been crucified and I would have been likely to get sucked into that mood, contributing to the death of Jesus.

Christian Seder

Thursday at my teaching parish we did a christian seder meal. It fits into the context of holy week. I enjoy seder meals. However I was surprised at how much of it was "christianized." I can not help but wonder if in the context of being respectful with religious pluralism if a faith community wanted to do such a thing if they would get more out of joining with a Jewish community on the actual day of the passover. Yet the thing is one can not force this too much if they are to be respectful of a communities practices as well. Still, where do we draw the line and have it sound like it is mocking the jewish tradtion and when are we respecting it? Yet it was nice to honor the meal that Jesus would have eaten before his death. And its always a good thing to have meals together in the context of christian community. Those are my brief musings on my maundy thursday (which I thought of as monday thursday as a child) seder meal.

Why isn't next week my spring break????

The floor of my dorm room is the messiest its been in a while. I keep meaning to start working ahead on things, working on a sermon I am preaching after break and doing some more polished work for my spiritual autobiography class. My weight is currently at the upper end of what I want it to be. I met with my teaching parish supervisor today about Easter and she wants to know what kind of ideas that I would have for focusing on being church in the world after easter for education, etc. I couldnt think of anything, unable to think beyond my current obligations. This is a sign that I definitely am beginning to be ready for some kind of a break as that is a question I have been dying to have been asked for my teaching parish, but suddenly my brain can't seem to go there. I am definitely on information overload right now if I seriously couldnt think of anything for that. I am craving a time to slow down, to catch up on some things and work ahead abit. And to practice ceasing a little bit, my brain can only handle so much! I think this is why God commands a need for a Sabbath...

Insurance???

I know that there is no economically perfect solution to the world in which we live, there are potential good things and potential downfalls to whatever is being proposed. However, I must admit that it seemed kind of funny today as I need to see a doctor and as I was making various phone calls about this, the first question always needed to be whether or not they take my insurance. It cost me a little time to do this. I cant help but ask what the motives are for taking and not taking various insurance providers. I am sure that there is even more to this system that I dont understand in terms of knowing that doctors need funding. Still it strikes me that there is something morally wrong to someone needing to find medical care and the first question has to do with what kind of insurance they have, not about what their symptoms may be. And yet, I feel like I have a certain level of protection in having insurance at all, even though its not as good as the insurance I had when I was still under my parents plan. What a tangled web this world is!!!

Why Cant There Be More Than One of Me or A Crazy Morning at Teaching Parish...

This morning, as I was fighting with my alarm clock before heading to teaching parish, my phone rang. I generally try not to answer the phone as I am heading out the door, however when my cell phone started ringing something told me I should see what was going on. The other teaching parish student at Shepherd of the Hills had food poisioning and was supposed to teach sunday school today. The pastor was teaching the adults so guess who found out she was dealing with the kids today????

Then when it was time for the lesson for the day it became apparent that the lector didnt show up. When I realized that was going on, I ran up to read the lesson. I checked the bulletin to see what was up with that to notice that I was supposed to be ushering today. And the choir was singing today a piece that I had been rehearsing with them and I have one of the stronger alto voices. And one of the ushers big responsiblities was to take place during the same time the choir was singing. So I made sure that was covered. Fortunately a couple had jumped in and just started doing the task with no question before I even realized this was an issue. (I made sure to thank at least one of them for this after the service.)

Then when it was time for Sunday School, the kids were not acting overly disciplined which was hard to deal with. I think kids should have fun but I also think that they should also learn how to treat people with respect. But I figured out a way to keep it under control to the best of my ability without acting too strict. Then I realized I was missing something that I needed, it seriously only took me 30 seconds to get what I needed and but in that very short period of time, I lost about half of them to the playground with no hope of getting them back. Since there was an adult out there with them and I could see what was going on, I just continued with the kids that were there.

In going away from all of this, I could not help but laugh as this was supposed to be one of my less demanding Sundays. Yet it was also a point of clarification for me as I realized this: I do like kids. On one level, I dont mind it when people decide to have a family and generally am supportive of them. Its just that I do not feel enthusastic about ministries that are targeted specifically toward children or families. And this seems to be an area that Shepherd of the Hills really wants to expand in. The few ideas I have brought to my supervisor she has wanted me to find a way to make it accessible to kids and families.

I also realized I prefer teaching adult education. Its a very well educated crowd at that church, and I love how it intellectually stimulates me and how it opens up discussion for the experiences that adults have had. And I dont go home nearly as tired.

I sometimes find it difficult to come home after church as a single, childless person as I find it a source of grief and lonliness not to be a wife or a mother at this point in life, especially after church. However today was one of my days in which it was a huge releif that I had no one else that I needed to answer to after such an insane morning. I came home, heated up leftovers from my chinese meal the other day and watched my netflixed DVD of the 2005 Pride and Prejudice. (which i found enjoyable but not nearly as good as the BBC with Colin Firth.)Any and all illusions of getting any homework done for the rest of the day was seriously shot by the amount of emotional energy church took in the morning. This is a frequent mistake for a Sunday afternoon actually. But with this illusion shot and with all the places I had to be this morning I cant help but wonder: why cant there be more than one of me???

Musings on Bookstores and Corporate America...

I recently rediscovered Adbusters magazine. Its a great magazine that pokes fun of our advertising culture. (check it out at www.adbusters.org) It really made me think of how even though I try to make sustainable choices, I still fall victim to corporate culture quite a bit in my bibliphile tendencies.

And, as a bibliophile, I realized that Barnes and Noble is one of the places I frequently fall victim to supporting since they have a cafe that I enjoy studying at. So I challenged myself not to head to Barnes and Noble this weekend. I stayed in my dorm room and made myself a cup of tea and was able to choose the music that I listened to.

I also used it as an excuse to scrounge around some of the more independently owned bookstores in the area since there are quite a few of them around Berkeley. One thing I really like about them is that they seem to have a more creative spirit about them. One of the shops I headed into I mentioned to the cashier that I was studying to be a minister as we were chatting. He told me he didnt want to pick a fight with me, but had I heard about Richard Dawkins and did I know that he spoke at the University just yesterday and that the place was packed?? I told him that I have heard of Richard Dawkins (thanks to Ted Peters who loved to complain about the man). The reaction that I had though was that in the media people hear more about the religious right and that people are hungry to think more critically about religion and spirituality so an atheist scientist appeals to people's need for rationality. I dont think that was the response he expected of me. Not only did he engage me in something that could be controversial, he noticed the books that I took an interest in as I was wandering around the bookstore. And there was something about the spirit of all of that which appealed to me: no one at Barnes and Noble ever engages me in a controversial subject but they try to get me to sign up for their discount card. No one notices the books that I take an interest in but decide to put back. I know that I will definitely be back to that bookstore because their specialty is a combination of social science and activism.

Another bookstore nearby was a friends of the library bookstore. In Rochester, MN it was a friends of the library store which i frequented as it had a character to it as well as low prices which goes to a nonprofit organization. (Seriously whats not to love?) For under $10 I left the place with a stack of books, a few of which were titles I'd been dying to get a hold of.

There was something about these places that seemed more spirited, more ecological and sustainable than a Barnes and Noble. And also its easier to find books for cheap prices at a used bookshop than it is to find at Barnes and Noble. So what is the appeal in a Barnes and Noble?

First of all, there is the idea of one stop shopping at a Barnes and Noble. It seems like a lot of the more independently owned bookshops that I hae come to enjoy around Berkeley have themes to them. For someone who has a variety of interests in books, there is something to going into a shop and finding alot of the subjects that are of interest, not just one. And frequently at Barnes and Noble, if you want a book that is in print that they dont have, they are able to order it for you. Whereas sometimes there is more scrounging around for a specific title at a used bookstore.

Secondly, even though these other bookshops that I was at this weekend seemed more spirited and a lot more cheap there were no comfortable chairs to sit down and scan through a book in the shops that I was at. At Barnes and Noble, at least right now, they generally dont seem to mind if you sit down and look at stuff in the store and decide not to buy them. In an odd way they actually profit from that though too. They have a cafe with some really yummy tea and things for snacks and meals. So if you are around long enough its hard not to make one of those purchases. (And you are only allowed to sit at the tables if you make one of those purchases. Its not a tough choice: a hardcover book thats not discounted or a tea for under $2) And then it is easy to justify buying one item if you have scanned through a stack of them thinking that you were practicing some self control.

The downside on this end to more independently owned bookstores is in an odd way more pressure TO buy if you want to keep those shops in business. Barnes and Noble, on the other hand, will be around tommorrow. And yet there is this fear I have in Barnes and Noble being the only place to find books.

The other famous place for a student and a bibliophile to frequent is amazon.com. And while amazon.com seems like a cheap place to buy books, it was actually a recent New Yorker article that made me realize what a scam that free shipping for $25 is. They intentionally make their prices low so that you need to go over $25 to get the free shipping. And I just realized the other day that some of their more reputable sellers are actually independently owned bookstores, many of whom have their own websites. Why not support them directly instead of forcing them to give a portion of their profit to amazon? While there was an order I was contemplating on amazon, I actually found the same items on the powells.com website. They were only slightly more expensive and I had to pay for shipping. Yet on amazon, I would have felt pressure to pay even more money for an additional item the sake of free shipping. That free shipping is probably one of the biggest ways I give into advertising. Its so damn clever of them.

Yet I am cautious in having an entirely damn corporate america attitude, although I can see trying to make some more sustainable choices with my bibliophilia. Because the truth is I am a student on a fixed income and unfortunately major corporations often have more affordable prices on daily living things I need. The term liberal elite is just that, it doesn't consider that poorer people may have the same concerns but don't have the means to purchase more sustainable items.

Then I pose the questions then of the fact that corporate america is an institution in itself. I hardly ever think that it is effective to live totally outside institutions but to try to find ways to make them more accountable. And as much as I could try to live outside of it, I cant escape the benefits of it with the choices and accessiblity of products that it produces. Buying something used doesnt negate the conditions it was originally made under. I think that the biggest question is then how can we leave corporate america more accountable? Unfortunately, the two biggest ways I can think of would be upholding laws in court and publishing information about them in mainstream media. And we live in a world in which you can buy your way out of the justice system and where corporations help fund mainstream media. So I see how these issues are all intertwined. But do you give into cyncism or beleive as Reverend Jim Wallis says that "hope is beleiving in spite of the evidence and watching the evidence change", trying to find ways to be the hope in the world.

So I can't solve this issue entirely and there are ways that I can counterdict myself by my need to be a part of this culture which involves taking care of myself and enjoying the world around me as well. This makes me fall into Niebuhr's Christ and Culture in paradox model moreso than his Christ against culture model. (What a classic Lutheran I am...) Maybe my pocket book, my energy cant keep up with my heart all the time. But this does not negate the need to try. Support independent bookstores!!!