Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Foot Surgery This Week...

I found a lump on my foot this last semester. I remember I found it the same day that I heard that Bret Farve was leaving the Packers. I was watching a DVD when I saw that there was this big fat lump on the back of my foot. I am a wild, violent sleeper. So intially, I thought that I may have just bruised my foot in my sleep somehow. In college, I managed to sprain my knee in my sleep somehow once even. However when the lump did not go down after a few weeks, I saw the need to be concerned.

I saw a doctor in Berkeley and surgery was recommended indefiniately. However when I found out that it was probably not for something that was a pressing manner, I decided to have surgery done this summer. With my class schedule and my primary doctor at the Mayo Clinic's schedule, it took me awhile to get in to see the doctor. Once I saw the doctor, when she saw the placement of this lump she said that she was not sure if it was something that general surgery could do or if it needed to be done by people in foot surgery. In inquiring, both places thought it was the other persons responsiblity with the placement on my foot. It isnt an internal problem, said foot surgery, therefore it should be general surgery. General surgery said that if it was on my foot, it should be the foot surgery's department. They argued for a good half hour before they gave me an appointment for general surgery. My doctor did not want me to come to Rochester from St. Paul only to be told that I had to see the other department. However when general surgery took one look at my foot they told me that they could not operate on it because there are a lot of nerves on my foot that could be ruined by a doctor with whom feet was not their speciality.

So I tried to get an appointment with foot surgery after having my foot xrayed. They told me that they could give me something at the end of August. Knowing that I would be back in Berkeley by that time I told them that it was not possible. They switched things around and gave me an appointment for the end of July, warning me not to expect to get anything dealt with anytime soon as it was only a presurgical appointment. Is there any way to get in sooner, I asked. They told me that what I could do was come in in the morning as a "checker". This meant being someone with an appointment scheduled but not scheduled for that day. And then if there was any time they would take me in. I asked what the chances were if I did this that I would get in sooner. They told me a slim 50-50 chance. So for two days, I camped out at the Mayo Clinic with coffee in one hand and my Bible (studying for my prophets class) in the other. I finally got in to see a doctor about two weeks ago.

When he showed me my x-ray he told me that it was not any internal problem with the foot. As a result, I may need to be warned that there is a chance that it could be cancer. Do I want to have an MRI to rule out the possibility of cancer he asked or do I want to just have the lump removed he asked. I asked him what he would do if he were me, he told me that he would reccommend having an MRI before having the lump removed. They were able to get me in for an MRI later that afternoon, so I found myself reminscing about being a chaplain at Mayo Clinic for a seminary requirement that afternoon. Honestly, on one hand I was not too worried. I knew it was not cancer as I remembered getting sick in college and being brought into ER. I had a dream that I had pnuemonia afew nights before. The doctors thought that my symptoms pointed to mono. But when I told them I was worried that it might be pneumonia they gave me an x-ray to sooth my soul. And it turned out that I honestly did have pneumonia. Between that and many other little things in which I seem to have a 6th sense about things in general, I really was not too worried about cancer. I know myself where I would have instinctively known somehow that something was wrong. And I think I would have had more symptoms than that if it was cancer. Even though I had all of these things in my favor knowing that it was not cancer, there is something that seems to invoke fear when a medical authority brings up that word. To sooth myself, I found myself imagining that I was a chaplain in this situation. I went in for the MRI.

The result of the MRI was that I did not have cancer but that I did have a cyst on my foot that needs to be removed. So, tommorrow I am having a presurgical appointment. This Thursday I will have surgery on my foot.

I am going to be glad to get rid of the lump on my foot. Honestly, it has been a pain literally. However I have tried for it not to inhibit my living life. So I have resorted to wearing shoes that cover my foot entirely or wearing sandals for awhile. In Berkeley I would often try to hop around on one foot in the dorms when no one was looking and then pretending that nothing was wrong when people did see me. I love to swim and so I never let it stop me at all. But this meant that I had to pop alot of ibprofen in order to survive. For teaching parish I often wore shoes with a bit of a heel so that hurt. Also, the foot that I drive with is the foot that the lump is on. The placement of it hurts quite a bit.

I have not wanted to let it get in the way of my enjoying life this summer by any means. I have been to a few museums, I walk to the library whenever possible and I love to swim. I have never really wanted to let the pain of it hold me back. I have enjoyed being active and social quite a bit this summer. So I will be releived for it to come off because I have been living with the pain for quite some time.

However I am a little nervous as to what the surgery could bring as well. While it is a minor outpatient surgery, I will confess that I am nervous about how it could slow me down potentially. I realize that I do not have a lot of time in the Twin Cities. I had originally hoped to volunteer at the Fringe Festival to get free tickets and to meet cool artistic people. However that starts the same day as surgery and I did not want to make any promises that I could not keep as I was told I will be in a lot of pain. So I contacted the volunteer coordinators for that to let them know I could no longer do that. Since it is the foot that I drive with as well I am a little worried about how this could potentially impact my social life, as I realize that there are a lot of people that I want to spend more time with in my limited time left in Minnesota. It is kind of bringing out a desire to be here a lot longer than I am here for. Swimming several times a week is one of the things that keeps me sane. As a result, I am worried that this could be taken away from me as well as it is frequently one of my sanity points. I think that I am not so nervous about the surgery itself as much as the ramifications that the surgery could bring about. For someone who considers herself pretty introverted, the realization of the priorities to be physically active and social are there. So prayers in this regard are needed. Also, prayers to make sure that the surgery goes okay are requested as well. While I have faith that it is going to be sucessful, I am aware that things could still potentially go wrong as well. So prayers for that are needed as well.

In perspective I realize that this is not so bad in contrast to having been hospitalized for a month and being in a wheelchair and a halo only about 4 years ago as well. This perspective helps me quite a bit in many regards. Yet I realize how much I really value taking charge of my life as much as possible and this is something that I can not take charge of much. So prayers are requested. I will keep you all posted on how things turn out, but please pray for me right now with this upcoming surgery.

Friday, July 25, 2008

A New Beginning...

I have not blogged as much as my summer progressed as I would have liked to. One of the big reasons is that I have opportunities to actually really connect with many of you face to face in my being back in the midwest. So I think that I have generally been given more of a chance to articulate things in person than over the internet. I find that in some regards even though I really enjoy writing I almost prefer the face to face or phone conversations. However it was easier to keep everyone updated via this blog on the internet in being a full time student in another part of the country. With all that in mind, I felt compelled to write a little bit on some of the major things that have happened to me this summer since I have written last.

My priorities in the Twin Cities for the summer have been connecting with friends and family and enjoying the culture of the Twin Cities. In terms of fun things around the Cities, since I posted last, I have been to: the Walker Art Center, to the Minneapolis Institute of Art, been to a few churches in the area with friends, a performance by a troupe called the Rock Star Storytellers, Good Earth Village (the camp I worked at in college) and have caught up with friends over cups of coffee and meals.

In the midst of all of this more fun activity, I have actually been dealing with a BIG life change:
my dad did his last Sunday at People of Hope and my parents put their house up for sale. In one way, I feel like I said my goodbye to Rochester and People of Hope when I made the decision to move out to Berkeley. I feel like I have stayed in touch with the people that I wanted to be in touch with thanks to the internet and cell phones. And maybe then I think I could be a lot better than I really am (although I think this blog helps quite a bit). I feel like I have drifted apart from other people, not due to a lack of caring or interest as much as geographical distance and differences can make people fluctuate in and out of a person's life. I am living in the Twin Cities for the summer so in many regards I do not even view my parents house as home. And maybe it stopped being an actual home to me a long time ago, but rather a place for me to live for brief stints of time and to store my stuff. (Hence is the life of trying to establish myself).

Yet despite all of that, I really feel like I have been overcome by grief in many regards. This is the place that my family coming from all corners of the country seemed to have as a common ground in our geographical distance. This is the place where we shared a lot of good memories and struggles together as we were growing up. This is the place that I knew would always be there for me no matter what I did with my life. I realize that in many regards I am reflecting more on the nature of my family than on what this place really is. The reality is that the shape of my family has changed quite a bit over these years. We all still love each other deeply and enjoy being together. However I think that the fact that we are selling this house really seems to bring out the point for me in which we are all geographically living in quite different places. Its a changing face for my family which brings out a certain level of lonliness and uncertainty.

Also, I think I am hungry for a sense of home. I realize that in my adult life I have often just lived where there has been just one bedroom for me to have all of my personal belongings in. I think that this is sufficient in knowing that where I am living is very temporary on one hand. On the other hand it is hard to feel properly organized as an adult only having one room for your stuff instead of a house or apartment. The apartment I am living in this summer has felt the most like a real world situation that I probably have ever really had in my adult life. Its suffiecnet for the temporary stints that student life brings. I enjoy the intellectual life of being a student but am getting tired of temporary living spaces. My parents house was the most permanant space that I had really. So I think that their selling their house brings out the realities of my feeling like some kind of nomad at this point in my life.

In being away from my family and not having a sense of permanance in my living space, there is a sense of lonliness that comes about too. The most continous community outside of my family that I have had was my class at PLTS. Most of the people in my class at PLTS are heading out on their internships soon, and the person in my class who registered for similar classes as me for the fall is now deceased. In thinking about this community that I have said goodbyes to, I realize that my sense of community as been one that has not had any level of permanance to it at all. While there is cell phones, facebook, emails, blogs, etc as ways to keep in touch, I also realize that it isnt the same as seeing people face to face, which I much prefer. However such things are tools to maintain communication but there is a sadness in not having those right in front of me as well.

I think that what this move is doing for me is making me realize the lack of permanance that my life has had. The other day I was asked to write down my current address for something and I found myself going through 5 different addresses in my brain before I was able to identify the one I was currently at. While it is comical there is the realization of how much of my life has been devoted to constantly moving.

The realities that I am single and not gainfully employed become very apparent to me in this constant moving. However, I also realize within all of these griefs that I have dealt with here and there that endings have to come for new beginnings to start. I realize that even though its tiring to meet new people, its exciting too because there is always the hope that maybe this person will be someone who will join me on life's journey, or part of it. I realize that even though its tiring to be constantly living in different places that its only for while I am trying to accomplish my goals and I am glad that I am doing this travelling while I am single and without kids because if and when I marry and/or have kids, it will be even more difficult. I think that to a certain degree I actually like my life right now, it is just that I am beginning to feel weary from constantly moving around. My strength and comfort comes from God and God alone. Yet I think that I want something in this world that I can cling to. Something that helps me get a sense of home somewhere.

I have been fully appreciating my time in the Cities and spending time with old and new friends alike. Sometimes I get this fantasy of finding a job and an apartment here instead of going back to Berkeley in the fall. But what would that accomplish in the long run? I think that having a lot more patience with the process and continuing to enjoy the journey (as exhausting and lonely as it may be) will make me feel more true to myself and to God in the long run. But the temptation is so large right now. But I realize what I am hungry for probably more than anything is a sense of home right now. For some reason I have not really felt that sense full in Berkeley as much as I have enjoyed my life there. And my sense of home was really kind of at my parents house. I think that I am longing to have a sense of home somewhere. So I pray for patience as it may not be in my present moment but the future is not as far away as it seems. However it makes me realize that maybe a relationship with God may be the only thing that I can cling onto for certain but that people and places are really important in my life as a human being. I can appreciate what I have now but it won't be around tommorrow. I think this gives me a different kind of understanding to Matthew 6.

Yet as I said earlier that I have to remind myself is that endings need to occur for new beginnings to start. So in the midst of all of this I am kind of excited to see what God will do in light of all of this grief. A sense of curiousity as to what this new beginning may be and a sense of excitement to taste it...