A New Beginning...

I have not blogged as much as my summer progressed as I would have liked to. One of the big reasons is that I have opportunities to actually really connect with many of you face to face in my being back in the midwest. So I think that I have generally been given more of a chance to articulate things in person than over the internet. I find that in some regards even though I really enjoy writing I almost prefer the face to face or phone conversations. However it was easier to keep everyone updated via this blog on the internet in being a full time student in another part of the country. With all that in mind, I felt compelled to write a little bit on some of the major things that have happened to me this summer since I have written last.

My priorities in the Twin Cities for the summer have been connecting with friends and family and enjoying the culture of the Twin Cities. In terms of fun things around the Cities, since I posted last, I have been to: the Walker Art Center, to the Minneapolis Institute of Art, been to a few churches in the area with friends, a performance by a troupe called the Rock Star Storytellers, Good Earth Village (the camp I worked at in college) and have caught up with friends over cups of coffee and meals.

In the midst of all of this more fun activity, I have actually been dealing with a BIG life change:
my dad did his last Sunday at People of Hope and my parents put their house up for sale. In one way, I feel like I said my goodbye to Rochester and People of Hope when I made the decision to move out to Berkeley. I feel like I have stayed in touch with the people that I wanted to be in touch with thanks to the internet and cell phones. And maybe then I think I could be a lot better than I really am (although I think this blog helps quite a bit). I feel like I have drifted apart from other people, not due to a lack of caring or interest as much as geographical distance and differences can make people fluctuate in and out of a person's life. I am living in the Twin Cities for the summer so in many regards I do not even view my parents house as home. And maybe it stopped being an actual home to me a long time ago, but rather a place for me to live for brief stints of time and to store my stuff. (Hence is the life of trying to establish myself).

Yet despite all of that, I really feel like I have been overcome by grief in many regards. This is the place that my family coming from all corners of the country seemed to have as a common ground in our geographical distance. This is the place where we shared a lot of good memories and struggles together as we were growing up. This is the place that I knew would always be there for me no matter what I did with my life. I realize that in many regards I am reflecting more on the nature of my family than on what this place really is. The reality is that the shape of my family has changed quite a bit over these years. We all still love each other deeply and enjoy being together. However I think that the fact that we are selling this house really seems to bring out the point for me in which we are all geographically living in quite different places. Its a changing face for my family which brings out a certain level of lonliness and uncertainty.

Also, I think I am hungry for a sense of home. I realize that in my adult life I have often just lived where there has been just one bedroom for me to have all of my personal belongings in. I think that this is sufficient in knowing that where I am living is very temporary on one hand. On the other hand it is hard to feel properly organized as an adult only having one room for your stuff instead of a house or apartment. The apartment I am living in this summer has felt the most like a real world situation that I probably have ever really had in my adult life. Its suffiecnet for the temporary stints that student life brings. I enjoy the intellectual life of being a student but am getting tired of temporary living spaces. My parents house was the most permanant space that I had really. So I think that their selling their house brings out the realities of my feeling like some kind of nomad at this point in my life.

In being away from my family and not having a sense of permanance in my living space, there is a sense of lonliness that comes about too. The most continous community outside of my family that I have had was my class at PLTS. Most of the people in my class at PLTS are heading out on their internships soon, and the person in my class who registered for similar classes as me for the fall is now deceased. In thinking about this community that I have said goodbyes to, I realize that my sense of community as been one that has not had any level of permanance to it at all. While there is cell phones, facebook, emails, blogs, etc as ways to keep in touch, I also realize that it isnt the same as seeing people face to face, which I much prefer. However such things are tools to maintain communication but there is a sadness in not having those right in front of me as well.

I think that what this move is doing for me is making me realize the lack of permanance that my life has had. The other day I was asked to write down my current address for something and I found myself going through 5 different addresses in my brain before I was able to identify the one I was currently at. While it is comical there is the realization of how much of my life has been devoted to constantly moving.

The realities that I am single and not gainfully employed become very apparent to me in this constant moving. However, I also realize within all of these griefs that I have dealt with here and there that endings have to come for new beginnings to start. I realize that even though its tiring to meet new people, its exciting too because there is always the hope that maybe this person will be someone who will join me on life's journey, or part of it. I realize that even though its tiring to be constantly living in different places that its only for while I am trying to accomplish my goals and I am glad that I am doing this travelling while I am single and without kids because if and when I marry and/or have kids, it will be even more difficult. I think that to a certain degree I actually like my life right now, it is just that I am beginning to feel weary from constantly moving around. My strength and comfort comes from God and God alone. Yet I think that I want something in this world that I can cling to. Something that helps me get a sense of home somewhere.

I have been fully appreciating my time in the Cities and spending time with old and new friends alike. Sometimes I get this fantasy of finding a job and an apartment here instead of going back to Berkeley in the fall. But what would that accomplish in the long run? I think that having a lot more patience with the process and continuing to enjoy the journey (as exhausting and lonely as it may be) will make me feel more true to myself and to God in the long run. But the temptation is so large right now. But I realize what I am hungry for probably more than anything is a sense of home right now. For some reason I have not really felt that sense full in Berkeley as much as I have enjoyed my life there. And my sense of home was really kind of at my parents house. I think that I am longing to have a sense of home somewhere. So I pray for patience as it may not be in my present moment but the future is not as far away as it seems. However it makes me realize that maybe a relationship with God may be the only thing that I can cling onto for certain but that people and places are really important in my life as a human being. I can appreciate what I have now but it won't be around tommorrow. I think this gives me a different kind of understanding to Matthew 6.

Yet as I said earlier that I have to remind myself is that endings need to occur for new beginnings to start. So in the midst of all of this I am kind of excited to see what God will do in light of all of this grief. A sense of curiousity as to what this new beginning may be and a sense of excitement to taste it...