Closure

This last Friday, my class had a banquet together. It was a formal occasion, and I knew it was also going to be the last time I saw a lot of these people. I wanted to go all out with my apperance because of this. I thought of some ideas to cut my grocery bill in half in order to get my nails done. For the first time in four years, I got acryllic nails. My biggest fear around this? My accident where I broke a lot of bones but did not break a nail, so it was a bold step on my part. In my driving around Berkeley only a few hours before I did this, I thought of the clip from Legally Blonde that I posted. I was also sure to bring a bottle of my favorite kind of wine: Meritage (which is far more affordable in a bottle in CA than at a resteraunt or even buying the same bottle in MN...man I'll miss CA)

The banquet itself was interesting. I sat by the other single ladies in my class. It was an okay time. We had an awards ceremony where we all had to present to another person in the class. I realized that for as small as my class is that I could count on my hand the people in my class who I felt I would give an award proper justice and I felt would give me proper justice. Naturally, I had to present to someone who I have had few conversations with. I also felt like the award that I received about lighting up a room felt a little pretentious to me as well too. Only good things were said. Despite this, it just felt pretty tacky and fake to me.

Then there was a slideshow that was compiled and showed as well. In watching that, however, for some reason I felt like I was on the outside looking in. It struck me that I really have come to enjoy these people and to care for these people. However even the pictures that were shown of me seemed to capture this essence of my wanting to be included but not truly clicking with anyone as well. It was kind of an odd sensation. It made me realize how hard I have been trying to make seminary work on so many levels. Maybe I realized that at times I may have tried too hard as well.

I went to the after party as well. And it just seemed to stress the differences between myself and the people in my class. I was more into having actual conversations with people but everyone else seemed more interested in the little girl who was there and the video game that was going on. I realized that this was a huge point of difference for me as well. I would like to be married but I do not want kids in the near future and am glad that I do not currently have them. I realized how everyone else in the room seemed to be living out their parental fantasies with this little girl, which made me feel like the odd woman out.

I sometimes go away from these kinds of events feeling like I did not have alot of fun. I find myself reflecting over my interactions, often frusterated. I reflect over my behavior and my interactions in a way that confirms that I am a more introverted person, and my continous struggles in being a single woman. I thought and reflected over this the following day.

In this, I think that maybe it did help me have a sense of closure in my life here as well though too. These people have been my brothers and sisters for the past two years. I will miss them. But I havent had anything that has even been reminscent of having a best friend or a romantic relationship, which maybe in an odd way makes it easier for me to let go. But I will still miss them. However my reflections over such things I think has made it easier for me to have a sense of closure. So I continue onward to finish off my semester, ready to be done