I made it through yet another Valentines day as a single woman. I spent it at my teaching parish actually. I wore red quite by accident to teaching parish services that evening as I had no intention of doing anything to honor such a holiday.
I think that I hate Valentines day partially because I am single. The other part is as a life long student of sociology, I do see the expectations surrounding it to really be commericalized prostitution when I analyze the gender dynamics of it. Plus, diamonds, chocolate and flowers tend to be consumed on this day, all of which are items that tend to be produced under unjust labor conditions. Thats the activist in me speaking.
Yet I think that another part of this is that I do have a certain level of disappointment in being single at this point in my life. There is a part of me that is strongly antigonistic towards the idea of marriage and kids. It makes me wonder how much of that is disappointment speaking and wanting to ideologically console myself. I also wonder if my not being crazy about a parish that has its strength in mission being towards middle class young couples with and without children is hard because I am trying to be okay with myself not being included in that context at this point in my life as well.
However on the flip end of this issue, I would definitely not be in Berkeley if I had found these attachments before. I already have a hard time finding time completely alone sometimes and it would be even harder. I don't have to argue with anyone about how I spend my spare time and how I spend my money, I am pretty independent. I can watch whatever i want to watch on the weekend. And it gives me the freedom to decide if I do or don't feel like going out with my friends, while I may feel pressure one way or another if I was with someone. Its making the amount of places I have to be for my seminary education easier. And it will make my internship and first call placement alot easier as well. I don't lament the opportunities and the flexibility that being single offers me.
Because of this, as much as I wouldnt mind being with someone, I am not going to seek out trying to find someone either. Because "I feel the night is longer when the lad's not right." So I really am "waiting for my dearie and happy am I to hold my heart till he comes strolling by." (Lyrics from "Waiting for My Dearie" in the musical Brigadoon)
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3 comments:
I appreciate the sentiments you write about here. Consider this poem by Hafiz, called "My Eyes So Soft"
Don't surrender your loneliness so quickly. Let it cut more deep.
Let it ferment and season you as few human or even divine ingredients can.
Something missing in my heart tonight has made my eyes so soft, my voice so tender,
My need of God absolutely clear.
(trans. Daniel Ladinsky, The Gift, p. 277)
For many years after an unsuccessful marriage I have felt longing for a partner. This year on Valentine's Day after listening to a friend express anxiety about a decision concerning a difficult and perhaps destructive relationship I decided to make my Valentine's day fun. I went to the gym where I train boxer and wished many of the boxers and trainers, many macho types, Happy Valentine's day. I enjoyed their smiles and laughs, and return Valentine wishes. It became a sort of special day. It's difficult to shed the baggage associated with Valentine's Day; however, finding little ways to make the day enjoyable can be rewarding.
Peace
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