Senioritis

I have really enjoyed being a student, but I have found myself craving to put the books down a little bit. It is Friday, which is always the day that I always set aside for my mental clarity; but that generally consists of taking care of things in my apartment and watching DVDs. Then, if I feel like it I go to social gatherings.

I have been really good at being responsible and dedicated as a student and developing some healthy habits, however, I find myself craving some of the things that I put aside to be a successful student. I miss doing theater; I am aware that worship has a lot of theatrical qualities to it, however I guess I have come to miss the process of putting a play together. I have thought about taking acting or dance classes while I am on internship as a means to start to get back into it again and to meet non church people. I miss reading for fun; I enjoy what I am reading for my classes, but I miss having more freedom to read what I want to when I come home from work the way I did when I worked at Target. I also feel really behind in being attentive to current events; as it feels like my classes seem to take up much of my mental energy. I also feel like my social world in Berkeley is kind of limited to the seminary people and while in some regards it has been kind of nice knowing that I do share a certain level of ideological ground with people, I kind of miss having more diversity in my social circle.

I totally anticipate internship and ordained ministry as things that might be emotionally draining for me at times and that I will still need days like today. (ultimately, my sabbath) However, I am looking forward to picking these other aspects of myself up again that I have put on the shelf to be a successful student. I have been reflecting on this a little bit lately in light of a dream that I had over my spring break. I honestly think that I have done everything I have needed to do to be a healthy, sucessful student. I realize a lot of the things that I voiced interest in can be used within the context of the church, but I guess I want activities that are not explictly church activities as well. So in that regard I feel very ready to be more in the "real world" than in the world of student ville.

The other thing is I have loved being academically driven in my studies. My first few years here I found myself very eager to be engaged in these discussions in a classroom. I do find my classes enjoyable and pertinent to what I want and need to know as a future minister. However, I find myself wondering what people who may not have a theological education might think about these things, whether they are in the church or outside of the church. But in a funny sense, I think that the minute that I started to be interested in these kinds of questions, that is when I knew that I am ready to go on internship next year as well. I guess to me that is an indication that I really do care about the needs of the world, and not just having conversations comfortably with other people who have made studying theology a priority as well. However, the fact that it seems to take more effort for me to crack open the books these days I think is an indication of senioritis.

I find out about internship next week. I am feeling both excited and scared when I think of this next step, as I deliberate out what it is going to mean for me, as a single woman in ministry whose ministry seems to lean a lot more for prophetic/social justice type of work and whose outside interests are in the arts. I realize that there is a lot of who I am that I am ready to tap into in multiple ways. However, right now the future kind of seems blank, which breeds uncertainty and excitement. I have accomplished a lot and I have come a long way. However, right now I think that I would diagnose myself with a case of senioritis.