I Still Remember When 30 Was Old....

I just got this in some kind of email list that I am on in dating after 30. I thought it was a very applicable article to my shifting attitudes towards dating. Well, I am 28 years old, so I am not quite 30 yet. However I think that my attitudes towards dating are more in this category for a variety of reasons:
1) 30 is no longer that far away for me.

2) I have been in a variety of relationships which have indicated to me things that I can and can not live without. And reflecting over what did and did not work well has made me think critically about the way I want to handle things differently and how I want someone to deal with me differently. Disclaimers: There are some things that are deal breakers, however some things are negotiable with the right person. No one is perfect, but they should bring out my best side, and not my worst side.

3) Oddly enough, claiming my pastoral identity more has made me want to have a stable, mature relationship even more.

4) While there are some problems in equality when thinking about marriage (it can be used to define women in oppressive roles, the rights that go along with marriage are denied to homosexuals), I am entering into a profession that is pro-marriage, and this is a standard that is set even more so for clergy members than it is for average church go-ers. Despite my mixed feelings toward marriage, because I am entering a job that is pro-marriage, I am going to be more likely to want to invest my time on a relationship that has the potentiality for marriage. Ultimately I do not view marriage as a goal as much as enjoying each other's company. However, I will get in less trouble on any issues relating to this if I sniff out dating for the sake of dating and really liking the other person and making sure that they like me as well early on. Tricky, I know. However I think that this definitely puts me more in a 30+ attitude toward dating than it does an early 20s attitude towards dating according to this article.

Disclaimer about the article: There are some very liberal attitudes towards sexuality in the article that the ELCA does not endorse. So I will practice ambiguity by saying this: Look beyond the issues of sex outside the context of marriage and the other issues that might be applicable after 30 anyway. Regardless of all of this, it makes me feel better about still being in the dating field at my age...

TEN REASONS WHY DATING IS BETTER AFTER 30
by Amy Waterman

10. You don't have to worry about sneaking home at night and waking your parents. One of the best things about dating when you're in your thirties is that you are responsible for yourself. You can stay up late, invite him to your house for a nightcap, or stay over at his house without guilt. It's your decision, because it's your life.

9. You can afford nicer restaurants than McDonald's. I still remember my first date. We shared a strawberry milkshake at McDonald's, and I was so starry-eyed with infatuation that anything would have tasted like ambrosia. Fortunately, my dinner dates these days are much healthier and better suited to romance. (Betsy's seminary student comment: if he makes more money than me and is paying)

8. You're into something more than getting trashed on weekends. By the time most of us reach our thirties, the novelty of getting drunk every weekend has usually worn off. Curling up next to one another on the sofa and watching a movie can feel just as pleasurable as clubbing until dawn.

7. You know a bit more about life and love. One of the scariest things about dating when you're a teenager is starting out from a state of ignorance. We're not born knowing how it all works. As exciting as it feels to kiss a boy for the first time, that heady hormonal rush is tempered by anxiety. Very few people get through their early dating years without feeling paralyzed by a horrible fear of messing up. That's why it's so nice to have enough experience to be realistic about the whole process: dating can be disappointing, exciting, embarrassing, and exhilarating - sometimes all at the same time!

6. You no longer put up with the bullshit. By the time you reach your thirties, you've gained a little wisdom when it comes to relationships. You can call a spade a spade. You value yourself enough to say "no" to a bad situation.

5. You can play the "Mrs. Robinson" card. If it's good enough for Demi Moore, it's good enough for us! There's nothing more fun than being the naughty "older" woman. You may even find that a lot of younger men are dreaming of a Mrs. Robinson to initiate them into the ways of love.

4. Your relationship has a greater chance of lasting. Compared with couples who marry as teenagers or in their early twenties, your relationship will stand a greater chance of lasting if you wait to marry until AT LEAST your mid-twenties. This makes sense intuitively as well as statistically. When you marry at an older age, you know yourself better. You know what you can live with. You are both more financially stable. You've had enough dating experience to build some relationship skills.

3. The sex is better. Whereas the male sex drive peaks in his late teens, the female sex drive is only revving up. Women hit their stride in their thirties, a period that often coincides with a greater body acceptance and a more relaxed attitude towards what happens in bed.

2. You can see what you're getting with him. When you're dating in your teens and twenties, the energy and ambition of youth makes it difficult to clearly see who your partner will actually turn out to be. The young man who goes to Stanford for a business degree may drop out to flip burgers and play in a band. The local jock may become the paunchy middle manager whose idea of flexing his arm muscles is lifting a beer glass. Luckily, by the time a man reaches his thirties, his lifestyle choices will give you a good indication of where he sees himself going in life.

1. You've got more going on in your life than him. Yes, for me the best part about being 30+ is that life is so much fuller, richer, and more satisfying than ever before. Whether you have a relationship or not, you've created a life that you can be proud of. You no longer depend on a man for your sense of self-worth. Dating is part of your life but not everything. As a result, relationships become something wonderful to be valued when you have them, but not despaired over when you don't.

Sex and the City: Me Likey

I have a new addiction: The TV show Sex and the City as I have been netflixing it quite a bit lately. I love to watch movies, but there is something about TV shows on DVD that is almost easier to do in smaller chunks like I need to as a student. And while the Sex and the City movie was disappointing, I think that the television show is brilliant.

For a long time, I thought that I did not like the show all that much. I have had some major critiques of the show before, which still are not invalid criticisms of the show:

1) Feminism goes shopping. Seriously, there are women (like me) who could care less if they wear clothing from Dolce and Gabbana or have a Prada bag, etc. I will admit that although I do find myself wearing things that are kind of trendy from time to time that my fashion sense tends to be more "classic" or "conservative" but I almost prefer to find my clothes at the cheapest place possible to buy them. And I would rather spend my time going and doing things that are worthwhile instead of shopping. I tend to be more of the type of gal who goes to the bookstore cafe to buy a cheap cup of tea and sit there speed reading books I would not be willing to buy then to go off to shop for clothes. In that same vain, most single women around my age simply can not afford to go out as much as the women on the show are portrayed as doing.

2) How frank the women are with each other about sex. Honestly, not many women really sit around discussing sex in groups of friends the way that they do. The level the conversation is often brought to in off screen world is generally seen of as socially inappropriate even amongst women who do consider themselves friends, despite the fact that it is a concern. Seeing this as a norm on the screen can make women feel resentful that they do not have those kinds of relationships with other women.

3) How the women do not discuss the arts, politics, community concerns intellectual pursuits amongst each other. They seem so absorbed in fashion and sex and what is "hip" to the degree that makes one wonder if they are capable of really looking outside of themselves more. (However, I am not sure if simplicity in the city or chastity in the city would have appealed to the marketing for the show the same way)

4) The assumption that being single in the city=sex in the city. Well, maybe I do have the biased perspective of my choice of career. I think that there is a broad spectrum as to how to handle sexuality and being single. The show holds up a picture of a very laizze fare approach to sexuality in general. I think that most adults just do not jump in bed with just anyone. The threat of STDs and AIDS is real. And I think that most people want some degree of a relationship before having sex with another person, even if the standards for what makes for that kind of appropriate relationship varies.

So why do I like this show????

1) It articulates the struggles that single women have in this day and age very realistically. The topics may vary such as singles versus married people, sexism women face in the workplace, issues surrounding wanting or not wanting children, divorce, etc. They do not sugar coat the issues but have the characters present various angles on the issues. I do not think that in my own life I am just Carrie, Miranda, Charolette or Samantha as they each have said things I identify with. However, while I may not be fashion obsessed I realize that I do have a way of looking at the world that is very close to the way Carrie does. There is this level of honesty that they identify on the show that I do not think is always deemed appropriate to address in the context of conversation. Shows like "Sex and the City" and "Desperate Housewives", popular magazines and novels that are "chic lit" or "romance" often put these kinds of things that women like myself think about, even if it is in a more commercialized way. And in terms of life as a single woman, while I am chaste in the city, they do articulate a lot of things in an R rated way that I have tried to say in a PG rated way. While "Friends" is excellent at displaying situations, I think Sex and the City's humor comes from the depth that it works from as the questions are asked, and sometimes answered.

2) Not only does it address the struggles women face realistically, I think it also presents a new American Dream that woman have. This is to make it on their own yet to be able to enjoy. We do get glimpses of the women's work lives occasionally but we usually see them at brunch at a resteraunt, shopping, going to a trendy party, going on dates. We see them more in states of luxury than we do at work even though we know that they work. This is the American dream, only instead of being told that a man needs to provide it, women are providing it for themselves somehow.

Honestly, I may think that I would not want to be drawn into all of that. However even though I think critically about distribution issues, I realize that my things if I had more resources at my finger tips would be traveling more, going to plays and concerts more, not thinking twice about buying a book or DVD for my personal collection, would be buying a fine bottle of wine, would be knowing that i had a full evening to make a meal and have friends over or to enjoy reading a book, would be going to plays more. There are a lot of things I would do more of if I had more resources at my finger tips honestly, who doesn't have some items like this? I have the realization that before I am quick to judge the issue of indulging in shoes that I do have things that I have or would like to indulge myself in. My treasure may not be the latest fashions but I do have things that I quite enjoy even if i know that this is not where my satisfaction comes from. My fantasies may come more from The New Yorker than they do from Vogue but I still have them.

There is something almost fantasy like about how the women on the show find ways to get what they want. While the things that I want would be more a long the lines of the liberal elite than of being fashion obsessed, I do have things I would indulge in more should I have the chance.

3) I love city life myself. I may tend to go toward happy hour specials, free entertainment and social justice type events myself. However it is fun to see that same kind of enthusiasm for the city on the screen. As Carrie once said, "I think I am in love with the city". I resonate with that kind of statement myself.

4) I get so consumed thinking about the worlds problems in thinking about theology and in social justice that enjoying this kind of thing makes me feel like a half way normal woman. Like I enjoy something that women of a variety of ages and beleif systems can relate to, unlike some of my other interests. It makes me feel human in the midst of all of my studying...

So in an odd way, I would have to say that it really resonates with me despite some of my criticisms of it. So, as Carrie would say, what I can now say about Sex and the City as I couldn't the same way before "Me likey..."

HOPE DOESNT DISAPPOINT

This week Obama won the presidency for 2009. This is the most elated that I think that I have seriously felt in a long time. I found myself jumping up and down and screaming in front of the television set at this win the same way I have seen my dad and brother getting about football games. I seriously had to bandage the foot that I had surgery on this summer these past few days, the jumping was that intense.

It is a feeling that is a good feeling. Its like falling in love. Its like being a child on Christmas day. You know, the receiving of the things that you want that you are not certain for sure you will get. Do you ever know if the other person will requite your interest? Does the child ever know that they will receive the gift that they want the most? Its that kind of hope, and yet its deeper than those things that I remember experiencing in my youth.

Sometimes I feel like in my adult life I have become more cynical about the things that I have hoped for because even though I have had some things turn out well, I have faced enough disappointment to feel skeptical about anything that I hoped for. I find myself gravitating towards watching musicals and reading romance novels because I think that it gives me a sense of that girlish hope that I have tried really hard not to lose in midst of hardship when I need to be exposed to something other than the Bible.

The mountain high moment that I had was honestly the most similar to moving out of my wheelchair in 2004 and demonstrating to everyone that i could walk again. There was that similar sense of joy and amazement. I think on one hand, my ability to walk again was something that we all wondered would happen. Mentally, I know I at least can own up to preparing for the worst. But I still managed to get up out of my wheelchair and walk across the room. And I felt like God was very close by in that moment. I have had a lot of good experiences in my life since then, but I do not think that I had that similar kind of spiritually mountain high experience since Barack was nominated for president last night.

We do live in a democracy, which has been questionable after the Bush regime. We are living up to a level of equality and justice as Barack Obama is the first African American president of the United States of America. We have a president that I think will bring a lot of change to the world. For the first time since I was old enough to vote, the candidate that I wanted to win won.

It was an amazing moment when in the seminary community, we took the time to pray and sing the doxology, (praise god from whom all blessings flow). I felt the Holy Spirit at work. It was as though in that moment I was suddenly praising and praying for something I haven't always felt I must proceed with caution about even though its how my faith makes me think.

But as there was a lot of work ahead of me as I made my first steps out of my wheelchair and into living independently again, there is still a lot of work for this country. None of the gay marriage laws passed. This is very much a civil rights issue that needs to be addressed. People are losing their jobs and proper health care has become an elitist commodity. People sleep in the streets at night. Women feel like they have to choose between an abortion and raising their children in the circumstances of poverty. The war in Iraq still continues to go on. There is still much on this list of injustices that I haven't written about. There is still a lot of work ahead of our country.

However it is refreshing that we may finally have a president who will be more in tune with what my understanding of justice is. Its like the hopes and fears of all the years were met with a sense of joy on November 4, 2008. We have a democrat for president. We have an African American president. Yes, our country is capable of changing. And just as my blog reads, maybe it is true, hope doesn't disappoint us. That is the hope in God that makes us yearn for justice and a truly egalitarian community. Hope is on the way!!!

Matthew 22:15-22 Sermon!!!

I am preaching tommorrow on Matthew 22:15-22. This is what I am preaching as I figure that you all may be interested:

Questions are asked of us every day whether we are aware of it or not. When we go to a store, we are asked if we want paper or plastic, if this will be on our credit card or if we are paying in cash. In conversations people often ask us if we are following the news or if we have seen a television program. And if we have, there is the question of what we think. That always makes for good ways to get to know people in the context of conversation.

We ask questions of other people as well. The question arises of when we ask a question of other people, what is our intent? To judge them or to understand where they are coming from? Are we eager to put them in a boxes as conservative or liberal, as educated or uneducated, etc? Or are we really wanting to find a level of understanding of what another person is saying?

Or it can even be more simple questions that can cause division. I live in a dormitory with 18 other people where I share a kitchen and a television room with them. Last year one of the things that people had passionate stances on was whether to watch Greys Anatomy or The Office on Thursday evenings. While it sounds silly to me now, this was a huge issue that divided our small dormitory community as we had only one television room. We did eventually find another place to watch televison that we switched between every other week.

Or the question can be posed as to how often we get defensive when we sense a level of malice behind a question. Sensing that the intent is judgement or putting us into some kind of definable box we give it is easy to become defensive in what our responses may be. Who do you support, John McCain or Barack Obama? I know that my natural response is to be able to want to explain why I support the candidate that I do when I am asked in the realm of conversation about politics. In controversial issues, I know that I can identify as having strong opinions sometimes and I become aware that I fall into thinking that I need to defend my perspective no matter what the cost is. While this not always a bad thing, becoming so aware of my own opinion that I am not able to listen to another perspective contributes to a sense of division from people can sometimes lead to a sense of self righteousness over my opinions. Suddenly I may not be able to hear what another person has to say.

Jesus is aware that there can be a sense of malice and judgement behind questions in this text. Jesus is posed with the controversial question of if it is lawful to pay taxes to the emperor. In the context of his time, to approve of the taxation would have been offensive to Jewish nationalists; to disapprove would have been treasonous. Jesus could have taken a strong stance at this point in time to align himself with a political position.

If Jesus answers yes, the disciples of the Pharisees and the crowds who perceive Jesus as a prophet will reject him for not teaching the way of God. If Jesus is bold and rank in his speech and says that Jews have no obligation under Jewish law to pay taxes to Caeser than the political supporters of Herad will denounce him to governmental authorities.

Jesus sensed the malice behind the question. So he boldy states: give to the emporer the things that are the emporer’s. Give to God the things that are Gods. Jesus is not defensive about his stance, like my dormmates and I were about Grey’s Anatomy and the Office. I know that I can be tempted to defensive be in discussing politics. Rather Jesus calmly makes a statement that is controversial to everyone. He does not make people choose between loyalty to God or loyalty to the emperor. This is challenging to the way people tended to think in this culture about taxes. Because suddenly, it is not a matter of either you are aligned with Jewish law or governmental law. He makes everybody think and challenges everybody. Whose head is on the denari? Who gives us life???

So, what can we learn from Jesus’s actions today?

Jesus did not take any kind of revenge and he did not get defensive. This story is a story that eventually leads up to his crucifixion on the cross. He did not bite the bait that the Pharisees gave him. Rather, he affirms the current tax law AND endorses his own agenda: which is pointing to God.

This was challenging to the either/or way of thinking that the Pharisees seemed to have. They went away amazed because they probably found themselves challenged. Not only did Jesus not take the bait that they were trying to give him to place him under arrest, they were now posed with a difficult question themselves. What belongs to God???

The Pharisees probably left asking this question of themselves when the Bible says that they were amazed.

In this particular Bible story, I really see how it would be easy to focus on Jesus’ words on thinking about what belongs to God. In fact, I think that the Pharisees were amazed paritially because of the way Jesus framed his words in a way that would have been challenging to them, especially as they were considered to be among the people who were official representatives of Judiasm in their day. They were concerned with what they considered the way of God to be, even if they did see Jesus as a threat to their own way of doing things. Jesus gave them a serious question to consider, are you giving to God the things that are God’s?

They gave Jesus a trick question hoping that it could help them set Jesus up. But Jesus did not take the bait and managed to affirm that it is important to consider God in our actions. We can learn from what Jesus has to say in this situation, yet we can also learn how Jesus handled this situation as well. Instead of giving an immediate reaction, he asked question of why they were asking this of him? Why are you putting me to the test? I think that we can learn from this in our day to day lives on many levels. In my dorm situation that I told you about in the Greys Anatomy and the Office dilemma, asking people why they brought up the topic could have been useful before the conflict ensued. It does get more tricky with more controversial topics, like the upcoming election, however I could take a lesson in stepping back and asking why it was brought up before making a statement that could stop the conversation.

What baffles me is that Jesus made a statement statement that challenged everyone’s way of thinking about the taxes instead of retaliating. I like the way Max Lucado reflects on this particular story, “Did you see what Jesus did not do? He did not retaliate. He did not bite back. He did not say “I’ll get you!! He left the judging to God. He did not take on the task of seeking revenge. He demanded no apology. If ever a person deserved a shot at revenge, Jesus did. But he didn’t take it. Instead he died for them.” My own thought is that Jesus embodies nonviolent living in this story in not fighting back, but asking challenging questions. How often do we really do this in our own lives?

Jesus gives us a good example on how to behave in our interactions with other people. He asserted his stance to give to God’s the things that are God’s but not in a way that threatened the law of taxation but rather upheld it. Think of the last time that you had some kind of conflict with someone. Did you uphold the other person’s perspective or were you more concerned with your own perspective? Were your words guided by fear or anger or were they guided by love and understanding? Now, how do you think that Jesus would have responded?

I doubt that any of us lived the same way Jesus lived in being able to be this calm However that does not mean that we shouldn’t strive to live up to Jesus’s example.

When we treat others with the same kind of grace that Jesus did treated people, we are living out the gospel in our actions to the world. People will get a glimmer of what the grace of God looks like here on earth.

But let’s face it: Jesus was divine and human. We are only human. We will use fighting words, we will fall into the traps of questions that set us up. This is a part of our sinful nature. Yet just because we are sinners does not mean that we shouldn’t strive to live the same way Jesus did. Because we can provide good news to the world by dealing with conflict in a loving way that can make the gospel come to life to the rest of the world.

The good news for us when we fall short of Jesus’s examples for our lives is that God forgives us. God is always generous and forgiving. We may take the bait of sin that is lying out there in the world for us, but God does not fight back but takes the firm stance of forgiveness of our sins. The thing that we may need to be wary of is that God will probably ask challenging questions of us as well, just as Jesus posed questions back to the Pharisees. We may need to come prepared.

Did You Know About Gandhi??????

I just posted this on the Pace e Bene blog, thought it may be of interest:

i am currently reading Gandhi and Jesus: The Saving Power of Nonviolence by Terrence Rynne. I have always been intrigued by the life of Gandhi but I learned a few things about him that I had no clue about before reading Rynne’s book.

For example, did you know that while Gandhi thought Christianity would be more effective if Christians spent less time preaching and more time just living out their faith???

Did you know that Gandhi was deeply inspired by the Biblical Jesus and actually thought that the Sermon on the Mount (the sermon Jesus preached in Matthew 5-7) was the sacred truth that the world yearned for???

I was aware of Gandhi’s Hindu influence but I was not aware of how much the Jesus of the Bible really influenced his stance on nonviolence. In fact, Rynne argued that Gandhi’s idea for a nonviolent society was more in line with the New Testament idea of the Kingdom of God than any other worldview.

Did you know that in Gandhi’s satyagrahi that there is no room for cowardly behavior? Rynne says that “Gandhi maintaine that it was better to be violent than to be a coward, while always maintaining the superiority of nonviolence.” Examples Rynne gave were “defense of the defenseless or the fending off of a robber or even in the ending of a life of unending pain.” Rynne stressed that Gandhi “saw violence and nonviolence as constituting a continuum not as absolute opposites.” Of course, nonviolence is the ideal, but it should not be embraced passively, rather it should be embraced actively.

These were just a few of the things that really struck me about the life of Gandhi while reading this book that I had never known before. They are definitely items that are food for thought as i am a student of life!!!

Are Faith Communities Afraid to Be Challenged By the Gospel???

This is what i just put on my pace e bene blog:

I am currently reading Jesus and the Disinherited by Howard Thurman.

He mentions that “It cannot be denied that too often the weight of the Christian movement has been on the side of the strong and powerful and against the weak and oppressed despite the gospel.” Thurman points out that Jesus WAS in the population that was the oppressed minority for being a poor jew under the Roman empire.

How often is the message portrayed in churches about Jesus not one that uplifts the fact that Jesus himself was a minority?

Recently, in my Old Testament Class with Steed Davidson, he mentioned that Micah is the prophet in the Bible that has the most to say about poverty and injustice. However, churches do not hear this message because in the lectionary cycle, only one of the chapters of Micah is really read in church. The chapters that call for nations to change themselves is not being read.

I can not help but think if the issue regarding Micah and the issue regarding Jesus are similar. How often are the images and messages of the Bible that call us to examine ourselves and work for justice the ones that are not considered central points in church communities???? Do we expect a message of comfort when that is only a portion of what the Bible is about? Are our faith communities afraid to be challenged by these messages???

People Hearing Without Listening

I am loving my new teaching parish and my work with Pace e Bene this year. However while I feel like I have some really good professional communities I am not really so sure how I feel about community on a personal level. While I am looking into counseling and internet dating at the moment and think that these can be very helpful things in my life right now, I do see how we almost put too much weight on these types of relationships. Don't get me wrong, I think that boundaries is very appropriate in any relationship. However sometimes I think that stressing these kinds of relationships as the most appropriate type of relationships to really talk in can also become an excuse for letting friendship merely be at the surface level. Trying to find a significant other and a therapist almost becomes an excuse not to really share things with another person. I think that encouraging these contexts as the only appropriate places takes away from authentic community. I think that there is a certain level of sadness that I have that I realize that this is what it is going to take for me to feel sane in the PLTS community this year. I feel like I have an awesome advisor and I appreciate the friendship of the young man who was at Luther with me this summer. I am very thankful for these people however I want a wider sense of community than this.

I want to share some of my experiences, I am not one to want to put anyone in a negative light by any means. I am a beleiver for taking responsibility for my end of a situation as well, but that does not take away the fact that people say and do things that are hurtful as well. These are some of the things that had made me feel this way.

I do not know when this happened but for some reason I am a much more confident, assertive person this year. I was hoping that this would be to my advantage but I have had a lot of interactions that indicate that my not just taking other people's opinion for fact. But what am I supposed to do when in discussing cross cultural experiences and mentioning I did not go to Africa because I didn't have the money to even though it was my first choice the person I was talking to merely said to me that it takes living simply and taking out loans to do these sort of things. It felt like this person was being naive about what financial situations can really be like. I try to enjoy life but I also am really strict about living within my means as well. And I also knew that I would do summer school this past summer, and I had the unexpected expenses of foot surgery and repairing my car breaks as well. But this person was presenting their argument in a way that made it come off like anyone can do this and I did not want to say anything that would provoke an unnecessary argument.

On another occasion with the discussion of my doing a fourth year internship I mentioned that it felt counterintuitive not to be on internship this year in many ways. I really understand the logic of it as my brain is on overload and I am ready to serve. This person looked to me and said that it is about kairos, not chronos. This means looking at time in seasons and not chronology. It was as though there was an eagerness to give advice and not an interest in asking why I felt this way.

On another occasion, in a discussion on baptism with someone, I mentioned that I do not beleive you need to be baptized in order to be saved. This person looked at me and said, "I hope you did not tell your candidacy committe this." I did not say anything beyond that. However with more conversation it would have come out that I do beleive in the sacraments because they are a communal reminder of what God has done for us. I find it problematic to think that baptism is necessary for salvation if this is about what God has done for us.

One evening I went out with someone I met on Craigslist. I did not pursue it beyond that evening but I had fun. A dorm parent figure asked if the person I was going out with was a Christian. I said no I did not think so. They responded saying that this is a conversation I really should have with someone that I would date. While ideally I would date a Lutheran, I am open to dating people with all kinds of beleifs. Also, I realized if I was being judged on whether or not the person I was about to see was a Christian, then a person would not understand the reasons why I want to be in ministry in the first place.

And recently, I had a conversation with someone about marriage. This person mentioned that they thought it would be natural that marriage would be for life if both parties took seriously their calling as Christians in respect for their neighbor because marriage is really a vocation. While I can be really quiet at times, I am not a shy person. This takes both parties having this philosophy to work, I said. I also mentioned that this does not account for the fact that people grow apart, that people do not always act out of love for each other. What about the fact that we are sinners and the fact that we live in a broken world, I could not help but ask. At this comment, this person just got up and walked away.

In all of these cases, I have tried to act respectfully of the other person and be myself. Maybe the final case I was a little more aggressive, but I found that theology very problematic on many levels and I could not back away from it. In all of these cases, I was trying to offer something of myself in this situation. And all I received was judgement, not grace. I am aware that we are all plagued by sin and that we live in a sense of brokeness that can effect the relationships around us. However I refuse to be apologetic for or back away from who I am. It is probably the most stressful that all of these interactions have taken place in the context of the kitchen that I use in the dorms. I do not feel like I live in an accepting community this year at all which is stressful. And I think of this Simon and Garfunkel song with the line people hearing without listening. I feel like a lot of that goes on. I do not think that anyone ever totally gets this, but I think that some are better at hearing and listening than others are. I do not like to speak ill of other people and I am a beleiver in taking responsibility for my end of a relationship. However a person can only stand so much of this sometimes. I am beginning to feel like a lost voice in the wilderness of Berkeley. I know ministry is not easy but I feel like there should be more of a spirit of cooperation and striving for understanding than there is. I am feeling lonely this year.