I am loving my new teaching parish and my work with Pace e Bene this year. However while I feel like I have some really good professional communities I am not really so sure how I feel about community on a personal level. While I am looking into counseling and internet dating at the moment and think that these can be very helpful things in my life right now, I do see how we almost put too much weight on these types of relationships. Don't get me wrong, I think that boundaries is very appropriate in any relationship. However sometimes I think that stressing these kinds of relationships as the most appropriate type of relationships to really talk in can also become an excuse for letting friendship merely be at the surface level. Trying to find a significant other and a therapist almost becomes an excuse not to really share things with another person. I think that encouraging these contexts as the only appropriate places takes away from authentic community. I think that there is a certain level of sadness that I have that I realize that this is what it is going to take for me to feel sane in the PLTS community this year. I feel like I have an awesome advisor and I appreciate the friendship of the young man who was at Luther with me this summer. I am very thankful for these people however I want a wider sense of community than this.
I want to share some of my experiences, I am not one to want to put anyone in a negative light by any means. I am a beleiver for taking responsibility for my end of a situation as well, but that does not take away the fact that people say and do things that are hurtful as well. These are some of the things that had made me feel this way.
I do not know when this happened but for some reason I am a much more confident, assertive person this year. I was hoping that this would be to my advantage but I have had a lot of interactions that indicate that my not just taking other people's opinion for fact. But what am I supposed to do when in discussing cross cultural experiences and mentioning I did not go to Africa because I didn't have the money to even though it was my first choice the person I was talking to merely said to me that it takes living simply and taking out loans to do these sort of things. It felt like this person was being naive about what financial situations can really be like. I try to enjoy life but I also am really strict about living within my means as well. And I also knew that I would do summer school this past summer, and I had the unexpected expenses of foot surgery and repairing my car breaks as well. But this person was presenting their argument in a way that made it come off like anyone can do this and I did not want to say anything that would provoke an unnecessary argument.
On another occasion with the discussion of my doing a fourth year internship I mentioned that it felt counterintuitive not to be on internship this year in many ways. I really understand the logic of it as my brain is on overload and I am ready to serve. This person looked to me and said that it is about kairos, not chronos. This means looking at time in seasons and not chronology. It was as though there was an eagerness to give advice and not an interest in asking why I felt this way.
On another occasion, in a discussion on baptism with someone, I mentioned that I do not beleive you need to be baptized in order to be saved. This person looked at me and said, "I hope you did not tell your candidacy committe this." I did not say anything beyond that. However with more conversation it would have come out that I do beleive in the sacraments because they are a communal reminder of what God has done for us. I find it problematic to think that baptism is necessary for salvation if this is about what God has done for us.
One evening I went out with someone I met on Craigslist. I did not pursue it beyond that evening but I had fun. A dorm parent figure asked if the person I was going out with was a Christian. I said no I did not think so. They responded saying that this is a conversation I really should have with someone that I would date. While ideally I would date a Lutheran, I am open to dating people with all kinds of beleifs. Also, I realized if I was being judged on whether or not the person I was about to see was a Christian, then a person would not understand the reasons why I want to be in ministry in the first place.
And recently, I had a conversation with someone about marriage. This person mentioned that they thought it would be natural that marriage would be for life if both parties took seriously their calling as Christians in respect for their neighbor because marriage is really a vocation. While I can be really quiet at times, I am not a shy person. This takes both parties having this philosophy to work, I said. I also mentioned that this does not account for the fact that people grow apart, that people do not always act out of love for each other. What about the fact that we are sinners and the fact that we live in a broken world, I could not help but ask. At this comment, this person just got up and walked away.
In all of these cases, I have tried to act respectfully of the other person and be myself. Maybe the final case I was a little more aggressive, but I found that theology very problematic on many levels and I could not back away from it. In all of these cases, I was trying to offer something of myself in this situation. And all I received was judgement, not grace. I am aware that we are all plagued by sin and that we live in a sense of brokeness that can effect the relationships around us. However I refuse to be apologetic for or back away from who I am. It is probably the most stressful that all of these interactions have taken place in the context of the kitchen that I use in the dorms. I do not feel like I live in an accepting community this year at all which is stressful. And I think of this Simon and Garfunkel song with the line people hearing without listening. I feel like a lot of that goes on. I do not think that anyone ever totally gets this, but I think that some are better at hearing and listening than others are. I do not like to speak ill of other people and I am a beleiver in taking responsibility for my end of a relationship. However a person can only stand so much of this sometimes. I am beginning to feel like a lost voice in the wilderness of Berkeley. I know ministry is not easy but I feel like there should be more of a spirit of cooperation and striving for understanding than there is. I am feeling lonely this year.
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