Living In the Question

I have a lot of mixed feelings about heading on internship for next year. However, I realize that I feel quite ready. I LOVE being a student, however, I feel like I am at a point in my theological development where I need to put the books aside to develop a theology that is rooted in people's concerns a lot more. So I have felt kind of antsy this semester in this regard.

However, I won't forget trying to buy a shirt a few weeks ago. It was then that I realized that I wanted something that would be attractive enough that screamed that I was datable. But I also wanted something conservative enough that someone would not question a female pastor wearing it. This seemed to unleash a lot of my worries that I have about being a single woman in public ministry. The realization that for some jobs one has work clothes and then they go home and change before going out on the town, and that I will never be able to take "off" being a pastor is a big fear that I have. However, I am finding that I want to learn how to grow into this in my own ways as well.

I interviewed with 5 different places for my internship in the fall. There were two churches that I did not like enough to serve. The first one was a church in Iowa which seemed like they had a lot of good ministries and a good pastor. However at the end of the interview, they mentioned that they required staff to say that sexuality can only occur between a man and a woman in marriage. Interns were considered staff. I truthfully and diplomatically answered that I am in favor of gay and lesbian rights, but that I have been able to work sucessfully with people who have different opinions. However I went away realizing that I would not be able to feel like I could ethically say what was expected of me. And I realized what a small world it is that when I first talked to my mother afterward, she was heading out to lunch with the person that I interviewed with.

The other church that I can not serve was with a large church in Green Bay, Wisconsin. The location would have ensured visitation from my family during football season, however there were reasons why I could not serve there. The pastor seemed like a good, sweet man. However, it did not sound like our visions for ministry were similar enough for me to have it be a pro-active experience.

As for the churches I am willing to serve? A large church in Vegas, where I felt that the pastor seemed really awesome and someone I would enjoy working with. He said that they were not a reconcling in christ church because he thought that the inclusion was too limited to sexuality in that statement, which was something that I found awesome. And it sounds like that there is a lot of good creativity and energy at this church making it a good potential internship site.

There was an urban church in Everett, Washington that was not interviewing, however I decided that this would be a place that I might enjoy doing my internship. I am attracted to the urban setting. I am also attracted to the fact that there are a lot of people who do not go to church in the Washington area, which sounds like it could be really exciting in terms of trying to make connections between secular culture and Lutheran culture to communicate the message of the gospel.

Not on account of the weather, my third choice is in Fargo, North Dakota, where I would be doing joint campus ministry and parish ministry. The combination of the two sounds really exciting to me. I honestly think that a lot of my interests in ministry would go over very well in a campus ministry setting as I even though I am a little tired right now, I am academically driven. And I think that this would be a context where BOTH my passions for popular media and social justice could be expressed well. However, I am petrified of the idea of having to drive in ice, snow and wind!

I also interviewed with a mission start in Arizona. Its a retirement community that I would serve. The congregation sounds like a very healthy community that is very outwardly focused, which really appeals to me. Because its a retirement community, most of the church activities would happen during the day, and I would have my evenings off. On one hand, this sounds appealing to me as I do enjoy doing my own thing. On the other hand, there are not a lot of young adults in this community at all which is a source of concern for me as well. Even though I enjoy my own space, I do like socializing with people around my age. One of the reasons why the apartments are working out so well for me is because I actually am surrounded more by people in their late twenties and early thirties. The dorms seemed like a weird combination of a retirement community and people who were freshly out of college, so the apartments are working out wonderfully in this regard. On one hand, there are a lot of couples around here which is hard to be exposed to at this point in time. However, I have made friends with a lot of the singles in the apartments. I have also learned that it is not so much of an issue of if people are married or in a serious relationship, as much as how they go about it, as I have found that there is one couple in the apartments that I enjoy and tolerate being around. Anyway, what I am trying to say is that I do like to be social with people in my age group. This is a fear of being in Arizona. However, I have the attitude that I can do anything for a year as well. So we will see where this goes.

I am supposed to find out sometime in April where I am going in the fall, and it is unnerving. Usually by now I have started to make summer plans, but right now I haven't. I realize that I want to go to the Twin Cities for awhile this summer, but I only want to make one trip back to the midwest. Will I be moving to North Dakota and driving to MN, or will I be moving to Washington State, Vegas, or Arizona and taking a plane ride back? Will my fears be driving in the winter or getting sunburnt while trying to find other young adults? My lease goes till June, and ideally I would drive to my internship site in July after moving out of my apartment, having time to get settled and to get to know the area before internship starts in August, but I would need to negotiate this with an internship supervisor.

This is all unnerving! I realize that I am kind of living in the question of where I am going to be and what kind of ministry I am going to do in the fall. I seriously request all of your prayers at this point in time. I am nervous, but I am ready to serve the church. And I have moments where I could stand to be a lot more calm about knowing where I am going to be. I promise that I will write at least a paragraph on my blog and make an announcement on my facebook status when I know where I am going! However, I really need a lot of prayers about this right now.

Yet, I was watching my copy of "Shakespeare in Love" the other day and one of the lines in the movie really resonates with me and my situation here: "It will all work out, I don't know how, its a mystery." I trust that God is in control as I have been able to make it this far by faith. Yet it is unnerving living in the question.