Saturday, December 13, 2008

what the hell am i thinking???

I just turned in my last paper of the semester and I come into St. Paul on Tuesday! I am totally excited! However, I have a new major project in front of me: moving.

I am now moving from the dorms to the apartments. It is actually a little more expensive but I am ready for a change. The thing is that I have lived in the dorms for two years. I have had a difficult time finding a rhythmn that worked well for me to be honest. This summer in St. Paul I found a pattern that worked well for me: I shared a small apartment with my mother that was clean and simple. It was a nice place for me to work on my schoolwork on my own. In the evenings, I often went out with friends or had friends over. This was a rhythmn that I found that worked well for me. When I came back to Berkeley, I have had a very difficult time maintaining this kind of rhythmn. I have often felt like the going out on my own to escape the people I share a kitchen with and not really having space to have people over has been very difficult for me. I have had a hard time feeling like I am friends with the people that I live with. A lot of times when I am around it feels more like the way I need to behave on coffee hour at church then the way I want to behave in my home. While a certain level of respect and caution is not a bad thing regardless of where you are, I will admit that there is a certain level of comfort that I want in my own sense of home that I have not really been able to experience in sharing a space with people who are more like casual friends or people that I am merely trying to get a long with.

Honestly I had been feeling this way for a long time, but when the woman that I had a hard time living with my first semester in Berkeley moved in as my next door neighbor in the dorms, I started really thinking about making a change. After a lot of thought and many conversations, the decision for me to move to the apartments seemed like a good thing. And here's the thing: I will have my very own place as well.

I have never lived alone. And I think much of my life I never anticipated living alone. Finanically I am thinking what the hell am I doing. Also, I have noticed anytime I move somewhere new social anxieties seem to come up, but I always wind up being more than fine. Yet I realize that especially because I had hoped to be at Luther next semester, having a change in enviornment would be very good for me. I think that I am ready for a change. I am excited to live independently. However I am thinking what on earth am I doing by doing this?

I also realize that I have a lot to pack and such as well. Moving never comes at a good time, but I count my blessings that it is just a change of scenery as I have noticed that frequently moves tend to be associated with a change of job or a change of maritial status. I am not making any major adjustments in that regard, I am just feeling a little tired from the semesters end.

I just turned in my last paper for the semester, and now I am going to start moving my stuff from the dorm to the apartment! I am a little scared, but I am very excited. I think that this is going to be good for me!!! But I am also going: what the hell am i thinking as I am reflecting over everything as well...

Nonviolence is A Lutheran Ethic

I have shared on this blog a lot of the stuff that I have written for my contemplation and work with nonviolence. So I thought you'd enjoy the last paper that I wrote this semester:

NONVIOLENCE IS A LUTHERAN ETHIC
By Betsy Dreier

I love Lutheran theology, it just resonates with me quite well. It explains the world that we live in quite well I think. However, I have often struggled with wanting to do things that makes the world a better place when Lutheran theology stresses that there is not anything that we need to do to receive salvation from God. Yet this semester, in reflecting over the principles of nonviolence and what it really does mean to be Lutheran, I have found them to be quite compatible with each other.

In the Pace e Bene Engage book, it starts out by saying that “nonviolence does not assume that we live in a nonviolent world.” Yet nonviolence is something that we can and should totally aspire for. One of the central theological principles of Lutheranism is that everyone is a sinner, and yet there is nothing we can do to atone for our own sins. This is something that God takes care of for us through the gift of the Son, Jesus Christ who atones for our sins. The question that can come about from this then is how is this linked to nonviolence? The thing is that no one is ever going to be completely nonviolent, because we live in a violent world.
Our world is based on so much violence and social inequality that no one is able to completely break free from it. We can, and should become more conscious of it and try to make choices that are loving and nonviolent whenever possible, however, no one is going to ever live up to this perfectly. For example, as I reflect on my own life, the decision to be a seminary student and to work in the church is a decision that I have made to try to work and make this world a better place. However, I am not making any money at this point in my life right now because of these decisions. As a result, when I do need to make decisions about my expenses, the question of what kind of product is the cheapest for me to buy often becomes the central question instead of what is the most sustainable option for me to do. Another example that to work at a church that is very socially aware in Oakland, I have to drive from Berkeley on a regular basis when I am aware of the ecological crisis that our world is facing. These are the examples of the way in which violence is really ingrained in the context of our society and that even though I am aware of the consequences of my actions from an ecological and economical perspective, I seriously am not sure if I am able to escape from these social ills in which that I am aware of. This makes me think that violence is not dissimilar from the notions of sin, as one of the beautiful prayers in the Lutheran hymnal says, “we are in bondage to sin and cannot free ourselves.” This is similar to Luther’s notion of sin and how we are never able to fully escape it on our own accord. It is through the grace of Jesus Christ in which we are free from it, not on our own account. There is a lot of violence in the world that we live in.

I find it incredibly helpful to look at violence from the perspective of sin. It is one of the ways in which we are often sinning. Repeatedly, in all of the literature that I read this semester, one of the main ways in which violence begins or is communicated, is through not looking at another person as another human being who deserves respect. It is the dehumanizing of another person or the disrespect of another person that is what causes violence in our world. Even in being aware of this and wanting to break free from this kind of cycle, no one is able to live up to this perfectly. It can be because of just trying to survive and to take care of yourself, it can be because of the ways in which lives become busy, and the list can go on and on. I think that people can become a lot more aware of the ways in which they are perpetuating violence and to try to live nonviolently, but no one is able to break free from this completely.

In Lutheran circles, talking about nonviolence sometimes makes people feel very nervous however. They really do understand the notions that we are sinners quite well, I think most people would totally agree with me that violence can be equated with sin. However, what makes people feel nervous in discussing this in the realm of Lutheran theology is that there is the fear that the message that it is what God does for us that atones for our sins, which is central to Lutheran theology, would be lost. I have met people who fear that this could become a way in which salvation has to be earned, and not a gift from God. Also, parts of the Book of Concord, which are the collection of documents in which the Lutheran church is theologically based on can be cited in support of not necessarily wanting to adopt views of nonviolence. In one of the documents, called the Augsburg Confession, it reads that “Christians are permitted to…impose just punishments, to wage just war, to serve as soldiers.”[1] This is a message that has been used in skepticism towards nonviolence.

I would argue, however, that this is a misunderstanding of what nonviolence is. I would also argue that this is a misunderstanding of the Lutheran way of living, which is quite compatible with notions of nonviolence.

When people hear that I have been doing this work with nonviolence, I have often gotten the questions similar to “if someone broke into your house what would you do then to protect yourself and your family?” In working on the nonviolent stories project, this was a question that John Cummings even said that he had frequently received from people when telling them the kind of work that he was doing with Pace e Bene. (I may have even been one of the people asking him a question like this at one point in time as I was trying to understand what he was doing). In asking this kind of question, a misconception of nonviolence that is portrayed is this: that nonviolence is about being passive, that nonviolence is allowing for injustices to occur.
The actual truth is that nonviolence is about being active, and is very concerned with justice. Gandhi is a very important person to study in light of understanding nonviolence. He has this notion of satyagraha. Some of the principles of this is the power of truth and self suffering. But the point of it is to win over the opponent and to transform society. Actually in notions of satyagraha there is no room for cowardly behavior and injustice? In fact, Rynne points out in his book . Gandhi and Jesus: The Saving Power of Nonviolence that “Gandhi maintained that it was better to be violent than to be a coward, while always maintaining the superiority of nonviolence.”

In these notions of nonviolence that are important to consider, there is plenty of room for justice. In fact, nonviolence is supposed to be addressing issues that are related to justice. And justice acts out of love. Repeatedly this semester, I came across notions that nonviolence is love in action. To really love someone is to speak on behalf of justice on their behalf, not to . To really love someone is to find ways to find ways to work through differences, not to ignore them. This is what nonviolence is about. Nonviolence is not passive, it is active. It is about really loving other people and being concerned about their well being.

This is the point in which these notions of nonviolence really intersect very well with Lutheran theology. God has given us an unconditional act of love by atoning for our sins through the gift of this love through his son Jesus Christ. This love that was given to us must be given to the rest of the world. One of the central points to Lutheran ethics is the love of our neighbor. In his work, The Freedom of A Christian, Martin Luther says that “A Christian lives not in [themselves] but in Christ and in [their] neighbor. Otherwise [one] is not a Christian. [One] lives in Christ through faith, in his neighbor through love. By faith [one] is caught up beyond himself into God. By love [one] descends beneath [themselves] into [their] neighbor.” Lutherans are concerned about their neighbor because of the love that God has bestowed to them. Christ died on the cross for the sake of the sins of the world. The Lutheran understanding of this is that this is a gift that has been given to us. There is nothing that we can do for it. This is the ultimate gift of love. There is nothing that needs to be done for this gift at all.

However, since this is the ultimate gift, this is a gift that needs to be shared with the world. This is shared with acting as loving as possible to our neighbor. This is done by speaking up for injustice on our neighbor’s behalf. This is done by respecting our neighbor for who they are and understanding and reconciling differences. This is done by being aware of how our day to day actions really do effect the people who are surrounding us. While this is not the point in which we obtain salvation, it is a way in which the salvation that we have received is shared to the rest of the world.

Love in action that Lutherans are called to live out to the world is nonviolence. However, as I said earlier everyone is a sinner. This world is not exempt from violence by any means. We will always be plagued by violence in this world. No one is ever going to be able to escape notions of sin, which are also notions of violence fully. The good news is that God had given the gift of his son, Jesus to liberate us from these sins. However these are not excuses for being apathetic to violence in this world or not trying to change our ways. Rather, it should be an excuse for intentionality and trying to live differently because of what has been done for us through the gift of Jesus Christ. As nonviolence really uplifts notions of love and justice, so do does Lutheran theology. Knowing this gift that God has given us, we are to reach out in love to the rest of the world with a sincere love and concern for our neighbor. This ethic is actually identical to the notions of what nonviolence is truly about. Nonviolence really is a Lutheran ethic!

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Dreams from my past and dreams of my future

Seven years ago, I was a junior at Luther College. I had a serious boyfriend, who I met at camp. He wanted desperately to marry me. Around this same time, I had gotten really into working with the anti-war movement on campus and Amnesty International. I found myself running with a group of activists in this time at Luther quite a bit. Here, I had met a dashing young man who shared this kind of passion that I had, and he wound up asking me on a date. I turned him down, although I wanted to say yes. This is when I heard about the School of Americas (see www.soaw.org) through my work with Amnesty. I went in a group to go to the protest in Fort Benning, Georgia because I felt like I had to. It was there that I found my sense of calling into ministry really and I felt really fueled by this vision that I had for the world.

Although there was a lot of confusion at this period of time as well---I had worked hard on my voice and I did not make the choir that I had hoped to make that particular year. It was that year that I declared the major that I wound up sticking with (after alot of deliberation) in sociology. I found myself torn between all kinds of things as I was deliberating what kind of career I would pursue. I found my heart torn between my love for the arts and my passion to want to make the world a better place. I found myself rejecting the models of Christianity that I had experienced at camp. All of this was confusing for me. I also found my heart torn in a variety of directions in manners of romance. It broke my heart that the man who wanted to marry me was not supportive of this radical vision that I had for the world. It was hard to see that the person who did share my vision of the world was only really interested in one date at a point in time when I was not availible.

It was a very confusing period of time for me to be quite honest. Sometimes I think that my heart was actually never fully restored from this particular year until very recently in my time in seminary. However, in the midst of all of this confusion, sometime before Thanksgiving, I found myself falling asleep and I had a bizarre dream. I found myself dreaming that I lived in California and I was doing work with community organizing and nonviolence, and that I was married to a pastor with dark hair who spoke Spanish. (that's all I remember). I remember waking up with a start, thinking that if I did not resolve everything appropriately, that this is what I would wind up being. I think that I did not want to think that any of the work I was doing would end, that any of the people I was with I would part from, that I would have the audacity to go so far away from the midwest.

I forgot about this dream for a long time. I forgot about this confusion for a long time. A few days before Thanksgiving break this year, I had another dream. Suddenly I had flashed back in time to that year at Luther College. I remembered the confusion I had about my career, the heartache that I had from the events of lost friendship and romance over the choices that I had made, the lack of support from the camp community that had meant so much to me. It was like I was reliving everything very vividly.

I wondered if the variety of events that had taken place this semester had triggered this, along with the fact that most of the significant drama had taken place at this point in time in the year. I could not help but think of the fact that Barack Obama is the president elect. I could not help but think of the fact that I am working at a parish that has been dedicated to a strong community organizing model of leadership and of dealing with social justice in their church's ministry. I could not help but think of the fact that at this parish I also sing in the choir where I am singing in German again for the first time in years. I could not help but think of the fact that I have tried dating again but can not seem to shake off my vision for the world in being a Christian dedicated to social justice and critical thinking. I could not help but think of the fact that I am working at Pace e Bene who is sent people to the School of Americas protest and is dedicated to nonviolence all around the world. All kinds of things could have triggered all of this.

For some reason although all of this stuff happened seven years ago, it suddenly seemed a lot more close to me now that it had previously with these variety of events that have taken place in my life. I found myself working through the reminents of some of these heartaches that I have taken with me through the years. But then I remembered that other dream that I had. The one that I mentioned about being in California. And now, I find myself having goosebumps. The goosebumps are at this particular realization: although it seemed like just a bizarre dream at the time, I found myself realizing that save the marrying the pastor and speaking Spanish, a large majority of this dream has already come true. At the time, I thought that it was a warning dream, but apparently it was one of my more prescient dreams.

And, its funny because I realize that for me that one of the next big steps in the work that I beleive in is actually learning Spanish. It would be important for both my interest in the missional church and in my passion for social justice to be quite honest. So while that part hasn't come true yet, I see the importance of it.

So in an odd way, I feel like I have finally acheived a certain level of healing from all of this that I think I thought I would never find. And I have this sense, that despite all of my protestations of being away from the midwest and being away from my seminary class that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. The whole thing seems a little eerie I suppose, but I think that I am on my way to fulfilling my life's ultimate destiny and I do not know if I ever really want to lose sight of this again. In an odd way, I feel like maybe I have fully found myself again and I have no clue how God is really going to use me or who is going to come my way. And I think this time, I have surrounded myself with people who are more mature. It has not been without heartache and disappointment at times, but I think that everyone I have met seems to be a lot more respectful.

And I realize that I am doing what God wants me to ultimately do. In reflecting over all of this, I think that I have found a sense of peace finally that I think I lost in 2001. I have looked for this for a long time, and I think I fiinally found it. It is here that I can say: hope does not disappoint.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Definition

It seems to me that so much of intellectual conversations revolve around the definition of a word that can be interpreted abstractly, ie. what is postmodernism, what is lutheranism, what is culture, what is marriage, etc. The more I learn the more I realize that there are no definite definitions as much as I feel like I am given the tools to understand the way that these kinds of things come about.

There are several ways to approach these conversations around words. One way is to really strive to understand how the other person's definition came to be. This is when you discover things like their life experiences, the books they have read, the people they have met and what their vision for the world is. Are they coming at the definition from a historical perspective? a sociological or anthropological perspective? From the perspective as a linguist or a writer? Are they coming at if from having experienced something first hand or from having seen someone else experience it? Are they coming at the definition as a realist, an optimist or a pessimist? I actually find it fascinating to see the kinds of things that make people come to the conclusions that they come to and to see the kinds of connecting points that they have.

The other way to approach this is to be able to defend your definition at all costs. This is when you think you know what your own defintion is and you will stand by it at all costs. And typically, it is our perception of an experience that we have had or have witnessed someone we care about go through that makes have the perceptions that we can not shake off at all. Sometimes we may not have thought we have experienced something but we may have read something or watched something that really resonated with us. These are the definitions that we will cling to the most. The real question becomes then, what is most important: to make sure your voice is heard or to make sure that you understand what the other person is saying??? My own opinion is that it is an attitude of discernment, and I would rather err on the end of understanding the other person than on trying to make sure that my perspective is taken as a fact.

I guess I am thinking about this in light of thinking about my classes, in light of thinking about ministry, in light of thinking about my family and my friendships. These kinds of thoughts can actually make someone's brain hurt a lot though because at what point are you not analyzing things if everything is subjective and needing some kind of a definition?? And yet these kinds of conversations can be a lot of fun if they are dealt with respectfully as well. The most stimulating kinds are when there is a mutual amount of give and take in these kinds of conversations. And before you know it, the conversation becomes a part of the collective experience that can make you draw a new definition as well if you are going to try to encompass that into the realm of opinion. Ouch! My brain hurts right now....