Dreams from my past and dreams of my future

Seven years ago, I was a junior at Luther College. I had a serious boyfriend, who I met at camp. He wanted desperately to marry me. Around this same time, I had gotten really into working with the anti-war movement on campus and Amnesty International. I found myself running with a group of activists in this time at Luther quite a bit. Here, I had met a dashing young man who shared this kind of passion that I had, and he wound up asking me on a date. I turned him down, although I wanted to say yes. This is when I heard about the School of Americas (see www.soaw.org) through my work with Amnesty. I went in a group to go to the protest in Fort Benning, Georgia because I felt like I had to. It was there that I found my sense of calling into ministry really and I felt really fueled by this vision that I had for the world.

Although there was a lot of confusion at this period of time as well---I had worked hard on my voice and I did not make the choir that I had hoped to make that particular year. It was that year that I declared the major that I wound up sticking with (after alot of deliberation) in sociology. I found myself torn between all kinds of things as I was deliberating what kind of career I would pursue. I found my heart torn between my love for the arts and my passion to want to make the world a better place. I found myself rejecting the models of Christianity that I had experienced at camp. All of this was confusing for me. I also found my heart torn in a variety of directions in manners of romance. It broke my heart that the man who wanted to marry me was not supportive of this radical vision that I had for the world. It was hard to see that the person who did share my vision of the world was only really interested in one date at a point in time when I was not availible.

It was a very confusing period of time for me to be quite honest. Sometimes I think that my heart was actually never fully restored from this particular year until very recently in my time in seminary. However, in the midst of all of this confusion, sometime before Thanksgiving, I found myself falling asleep and I had a bizarre dream. I found myself dreaming that I lived in California and I was doing work with community organizing and nonviolence, and that I was married to a pastor with dark hair who spoke Spanish. (that's all I remember). I remember waking up with a start, thinking that if I did not resolve everything appropriately, that this is what I would wind up being. I think that I did not want to think that any of the work I was doing would end, that any of the people I was with I would part from, that I would have the audacity to go so far away from the midwest.

I forgot about this dream for a long time. I forgot about this confusion for a long time. A few days before Thanksgiving break this year, I had another dream. Suddenly I had flashed back in time to that year at Luther College. I remembered the confusion I had about my career, the heartache that I had from the events of lost friendship and romance over the choices that I had made, the lack of support from the camp community that had meant so much to me. It was like I was reliving everything very vividly.

I wondered if the variety of events that had taken place this semester had triggered this, along with the fact that most of the significant drama had taken place at this point in time in the year. I could not help but think of the fact that Barack Obama is the president elect. I could not help but think of the fact that I am working at a parish that has been dedicated to a strong community organizing model of leadership and of dealing with social justice in their church's ministry. I could not help but think of the fact that at this parish I also sing in the choir where I am singing in German again for the first time in years. I could not help but think of the fact that I have tried dating again but can not seem to shake off my vision for the world in being a Christian dedicated to social justice and critical thinking. I could not help but think of the fact that I am working at Pace e Bene who is sent people to the School of Americas protest and is dedicated to nonviolence all around the world. All kinds of things could have triggered all of this.

For some reason although all of this stuff happened seven years ago, it suddenly seemed a lot more close to me now that it had previously with these variety of events that have taken place in my life. I found myself working through the reminents of some of these heartaches that I have taken with me through the years. But then I remembered that other dream that I had. The one that I mentioned about being in California. And now, I find myself having goosebumps. The goosebumps are at this particular realization: although it seemed like just a bizarre dream at the time, I found myself realizing that save the marrying the pastor and speaking Spanish, a large majority of this dream has already come true. At the time, I thought that it was a warning dream, but apparently it was one of my more prescient dreams.

And, its funny because I realize that for me that one of the next big steps in the work that I beleive in is actually learning Spanish. It would be important for both my interest in the missional church and in my passion for social justice to be quite honest. So while that part hasn't come true yet, I see the importance of it.

So in an odd way, I feel like I have finally acheived a certain level of healing from all of this that I think I thought I would never find. And I have this sense, that despite all of my protestations of being away from the midwest and being away from my seminary class that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. The whole thing seems a little eerie I suppose, but I think that I am on my way to fulfilling my life's ultimate destiny and I do not know if I ever really want to lose sight of this again. In an odd way, I feel like maybe I have fully found myself again and I have no clue how God is really going to use me or who is going to come my way. And I think this time, I have surrounded myself with people who are more mature. It has not been without heartache and disappointment at times, but I think that everyone I have met seems to be a lot more respectful.

And I realize that I am doing what God wants me to ultimately do. In reflecting over all of this, I think that I have found a sense of peace finally that I think I lost in 2001. I have looked for this for a long time, and I think I fiinally found it. It is here that I can say: hope does not disappoint.