what the hell am i thinking???

I just turned in my last paper of the semester and I come into St. Paul on Tuesday! I am totally excited! However, I have a new major project in front of me: moving.

I am now moving from the dorms to the apartments. It is actually a little more expensive but I am ready for a change. The thing is that I have lived in the dorms for two years. I have had a difficult time finding a rhythmn that worked well for me to be honest. This summer in St. Paul I found a pattern that worked well for me: I shared a small apartment with my mother that was clean and simple. It was a nice place for me to work on my schoolwork on my own. In the evenings, I often went out with friends or had friends over. This was a rhythmn that I found that worked well for me. When I came back to Berkeley, I have had a very difficult time maintaining this kind of rhythmn. I have often felt like the going out on my own to escape the people I share a kitchen with and not really having space to have people over has been very difficult for me. I have had a hard time feeling like I am friends with the people that I live with. A lot of times when I am around it feels more like the way I need to behave on coffee hour at church then the way I want to behave in my home. While a certain level of respect and caution is not a bad thing regardless of where you are, I will admit that there is a certain level of comfort that I want in my own sense of home that I have not really been able to experience in sharing a space with people who are more like casual friends or people that I am merely trying to get a long with.

Honestly I had been feeling this way for a long time, but when the woman that I had a hard time living with my first semester in Berkeley moved in as my next door neighbor in the dorms, I started really thinking about making a change. After a lot of thought and many conversations, the decision for me to move to the apartments seemed like a good thing. And here's the thing: I will have my very own place as well.

I have never lived alone. And I think much of my life I never anticipated living alone. Finanically I am thinking what the hell am I doing. Also, I have noticed anytime I move somewhere new social anxieties seem to come up, but I always wind up being more than fine. Yet I realize that especially because I had hoped to be at Luther next semester, having a change in enviornment would be very good for me. I think that I am ready for a change. I am excited to live independently. However I am thinking what on earth am I doing by doing this?

I also realize that I have a lot to pack and such as well. Moving never comes at a good time, but I count my blessings that it is just a change of scenery as I have noticed that frequently moves tend to be associated with a change of job or a change of maritial status. I am not making any major adjustments in that regard, I am just feeling a little tired from the semesters end.

I just turned in my last paper for the semester, and now I am going to start moving my stuff from the dorm to the apartment! I am a little scared, but I am very excited. I think that this is going to be good for me!!! But I am also going: what the hell am i thinking as I am reflecting over everything as well...