Life is Short

The other day, I got a phone call from one of my dorm brothers who is hanging out in Berkeley for the summer. He told me that he was afraid he had some bad news. I had left my car in Berkeley for the summer. I also had left a lot of stuff in my dorm room. I figured maybe something went wrong with my car or with the dorms.

So imagine my shock when he told me that he had just gotten word that a woman in my class died of a heart attack while she was on CPE. Apparently while doing her rounds, she collapsed on the floor. The doctors did everything they could do, but she died. She was close to my mothers age but she struck me as being really healthy and vibrant. (No offense mom) The news just shocked me quite a bit.

After I got off the phone, I found myself collapsing on the ground in tears. I had interacted with this woman quite a bit, so it saddened me that she is so suddenly dead. I had a few really rough points this past year. I remember one day she found me when I was in one of my rough spots. She listened to me and she told me to hang in there because I am going to be an awesome pastor. She was one of those people that when she would say those kinds of things, you actually really beleived it.

Another day, I was wanting to get off campus. I dressed up a little more just to feel better about myself as I sometimes did for a pick me up. She saw me walking and said, "Oh! Do you have a date tonight?" "No, I don't," I replied. "Well, you look like you do because you look so fabolous." I explained that I was just going to grab a bite for dinner by myself off campus. Suddenly, I looked at her and said, "Do you wanna join me?" It was then she said that she was just on a short break from working the youth festival on campus and said, "That sounds like fun, I would love to, but I have to get back to work. Maybe next time." She was also one of the very few people in my class who was going to be taking classes in the fall, and we had registered for some of the same classes. We had talked about making dinner together in the fall.

Suddenly, all these future events we had hypothetically talked about were taken away. But the reality of what a fun, generous person she was to be with was there. She was so easy to talk to and always made me feel good about myself when I talked to her. The reality is that in attending such a small school we often get to know each other pretty well, even when we do not feel like it. So if anyone dies, or if anyone goes through anything major it has an effect on the entire community. Its a reminder on how interconnected that we all are.

I realized that I HAD to call another friend of mine from PLTS who is also taking the same classes as me in St. Paul for the summer. I didnt catch him on the phone so I had to leave a message. I paced around my apartment frantically. A while later I got a call from one of our mutual friends in the area who graduated from PLTS who knew her as well. He said that they were heading over to my apartment shortly. I paced around the apartment even more. I felt a lot more peaceful when the men arrived on my doorstep. They came into the apartment. We sat down and we all shared some of our stories about this wonderful woman. Then we had a prayer for her.

I was supposed to drive to pick my mom up a few towns over. I was in no shape to do this alone. The men jumped in and were willing to help me drive to Cannon Falls. I seriously would have felt insane without them around. It was such a comfort. And I do not know if it is ironic or not that I felt more restful in my friends car than I did later tossing and turning in my bed. There is something about the presence of another human being who understands what you are going through in times like this that is incredibly comforting.

That night, I swear I heard Margaret talk to me. The presence felt very similar to my grandmother talking to me the night before she died years ago. My friend was tellling me that she was glad we care so much about her but I had to move on and focus on my school work. She also told me something else that I will only know the answer to with the test of time. It made me awaken with a jolt, and the reality of her death sunk in. Yet I swear I had been around her presence as well. I have felt her close many times.

It was really hard the next day being away from Berkeley. We are all scattered for the summer for various things. I was really releived that I had another Berkeley person in class with me. I think I would have felt insane without having him in the same room as me to be quite honest. Yet at the same time I felt so far away from everyone else.

My mother upon hearing the news made sure that we prayed for her family in chapel at Luther Seminary. I just heard the gasp of everyone at this particular prayer at the circumstances of her death. (Figuratively, CPE kills so many people.)

When I came home from class, even though I had a lot of work to do, I found myself attached to my cell phone trying to call people I know from school. I actually caught two girls in my class, which was nice to talk even briefly. I found myself attached to facebook to see if there was any other news that I may be able to learn and as another way to connect to people. I felt so distant from everybody. And yet, it was a bit of a harsh reminder that I may not truly see a lot of these people again. But there was a memorial service on campus which I would have liked to go to.

My friend who died was in seminary with her husband as well. They were such a fun couple to be around, and their plan was to go into ordained ministry together and be a clergy couple. The realization hit me that in her death we lost both her and her husband. Ministry is tough and if you are torn away from your main support, it may be hard to go about this alone. Yet he has gifts for ministry as well.

It is a reminder of how short life is and how every day is such a gift. I probably know even better than some people from my car accident a few years ago how it only takes a moment of brushing with death to realize how short life is. I think that this is a reminder that we are only dust and to dust we shall return. However it is impossible to get through life without getting attached to people even though there is the inevitablity that death is around the corner. You do not let it stop you from living life. Life is such a gift from God. Even though all of this stuff makes sense to me intellectually and theologically, I am still feeling pretty sad.

Please pray for the family of Margaret Monroe, for the PLTS community and for anyone else who is grief stricken by her death. She was an amazing woman.