Decisions, Decisions

I have made a very difficult decision recently, and well, please read my entire posting before you respond as it is a little more complicated than it sounds originally.

I had made the decision to do the Luther Seminary exchange program for next January term and Spring semester. PLTS and Luther are in the "western mission cluster" (the title humors me, but it is true). This allows people at Luther to do coursework at PLTS and people at PLTS to do coursework at Luther. This sounded like a very appealing decision to make for multiple reasons:

1) I am interested in mission developing. Even if I do not fiind myself becoming a mission developer, I think that these are important skills to emphasize to even help revitalize a congregation. (although i think actually starting a church from scratch will have fewer politics to navigate in having a missional focus than in revitalizing a congregation, it still does not negate that i think that these are important skills to have). I found myself really resonating with the idea of a missionaly oriented church more than merely trying to find ways to keep the people who are faithfuly attending a dying church happy. There are more classes at Luther than at PLTS in this regard, even if there are professors who are begining to consider this in their approach at the PLTS campus.

2) It is REALLY expensive to be in the bay area. I thought that I could reduce some of my spending by living in walking distance to my classes, to a seminary library, to a public library, to a coffee shop, to a grocery store. I do take a bus down to my classes at the Graduate Theological Union because they police parking meters so well that if you are off by a minute or two you get a $30 parking ticket. In trying to take advantage of resources by the GTU when the looper (the van that goes between PLTS and the GTU) was not running earlier this semester, I was continously hit with parking tickets. This has been motivation however to not take advantage of the GTU library as I tend to get lost in thought when I study.

Suddenly finding a parking lot by the university that charges me by the hour may seem more expensive to park, but I tend to get lost in thought easily. A lot of shops and resteraunts validate the ticket to the parking ramp around there. It does not mean that it is free, but it slashes the bill in half. So it becomes motivation to get some shopping done or to grab a bite to eat somewhere as there are many places that I can grab a bite to eat for under $10 around there. While it is still not entirely thrifty, I am maximizing my dollars more when I do this. When I do not do this, I go to a shopping mall in a nearby town and buy a cup of tea where I can get free parking. However I do not like this option as well as when I am at the university area because at the university I head to the swimming pool as a study break or as a reward, and I am more likely to support independently owned businesses when I do choose to do my errands around there.

3) My class is on internship this year. There were the people that I did feel like I clicked with better than I did others. However, even with the people that I did not "click" with in a certain way they did become like brothers and sisters to me. There is a certain level of commradity that I felt in having the same classes, in going through the same process with my class. And I worked with some of these people very closely and I also shared a kitchen space with some of these people. There is a familiarity that occurred and I felt like I became friends with them in a certain way still. I realize that I actually miss these people like crazy. I did go to LA to hang out with one young man that I felt like I got along very well with over my reading week, who I feel is like a long lost brother to me. I am trying to keep in touch with people via facebook and phone calls whenever possible. But it is still not the same. By the time I am on my internship, they will be back at PLTS for their final year. I feel like I am kind of going through a shifting of relationships and seeing which people I really will keep in touch with on a personal level and which people I will be happy to see at conferences and synod assemblies but not maybe keeping in touch on a more personal level. I grieve not having these people be a part of my life on a more regular basis.

4) In that same vain, I have also felt that way of all of you in Minnesota! I realize that I do have a lot of connections in Minnesota as well. I honestly feel bad that I have not been as good at keeping in touch as I would like to. The time difference sometimes makes me reticent to try to call many of you at the end of my day. And it would be very nice to see you all in person more as well. I realize that Minnesota is home to me and that it is hard to see California as home with having my class be gone.

5) The Twin Cities feels safer and more accessible. In the Twin Cities, I know where to get a beer for only $2, where I could walk to a public library for free and I scrounged the city pages for things to do for free or low cost. I have had a harder time finding these kinds of items in the bay area, I havent found a public library close to any of my usual stops, the equivalent of the city pages is only for San Fransisco which is an hour away and $8 for a BART ticket and there are parts of San Fran that I just refuse to walk alone. I do not think that the Twin Cities is perfect, but it does feel more geographically accessible and safer than San Fran does.

6) I do not feel like dorm life has worked as well for me this year as it has in previously. I enjoy being around people and activity quite a bit, but I identify with introversion in terms of the way I recharge and process things. Living in an apartment with the mentality for hospitality was a lot more appealing to me than living in a dorm where I am trying to coexist with people I didn't even choose to be in a living space with. Its more exhausting--- retreat and invitation are important to me in my sense of a home space.


+So, for all of these reasons, I began to get really excited about this prospect. I had been in communication with the registrar at my school about doing this, and it sounded like it was going to work. However, apparently they only allow up to a year of what can be done through the seminary exchange program at Luther. Since I had done summer school this summer, it needed to be counted toward the load that I am allowed to do. I am supposed to come back for 1-2 classes when I am done with internship next year and even though I enjoy Berkeley, for all of the reasons I just mentioned I thought it would be easier to do it at Luther. And I was told that it could work if I did my January term at the GTU and then did my other courses at Luther. Well, the main point was that I had elective hours left that I wanted to do in courses like mission of the triune God and contemporary worship issues. Suddenly, I realized as excited as I felt about this prospect, if I was not able to take the kinds of classes that I was hoping to in the exchange program that all the other things that I was excited about were icing on the cake, and not primary items. Registration for spring semester came around the corner and I was able to register for a systematics class at the Methodist seminary called Mission Impossible, discussing things like colonalizm and evangelism and pluralism from the lens of systematic theology. I was able to register for a class on indigenous spirituality at the unitarian seminary, a class on corinthians at the dominican seminary, an elective on conversion at the Methodist seminary--the only class I have to take at PLTS is Christian Ethics. Suddenly, I realized that I kind of was able to find classes at the GTU that were similar to my interest in mission that I would not even have the opportunity to do if I did the Luther Seminary semester.

While I am excited about my classes, I will admit to being disappointed about the more social aspect of all of this. As a previous blog mentioned, I feel lonely this year. Not being around my class is part of it. The other part of it I think is my schedule and the fact that I am frequently gone or way too tired when social events are going on around campus. I am pursuing finding a therapist and giving internet dating a shot, I think these things could help me in my more introverted preferences. (I have more fun in small groups and 1 on 1 settings than I do in larger groups). However, I am also considering very seriously that as much as I love my work with Pace e Bene maybe what I need is to have fewer items on my plate for next semester as well. I am discerning how to handle this. The thing is that I would be able to put more energy into my schoolwork and have more opportunity to get to know the people around me if I was not going and coming all the time to Oakland. I realize that while I have not felt overly happy with the social connections I have at PLTS this year (see people hearing without listening: oct 3) that maybe my schedule has not allowed me to give these connections more of the chance that they may deserve. While this could be hit or miss, I would also get more time for myself as well. Because the other big thing is if I do not get a horizon internship site (which I interviewed for last week) that I would probably be doing interviews for other internship sites next semester as well. And honestly, it is only a few extra months out in Berkeley.

I realized that it won't be so bad because:
1) I am taking most of my classes down at the GTU which sound exciting both in terms of the class content and the interreligious dialogue that occurs.
2) While the cost of living is kind of high around here, at least a good bottle of wine is affordable here unlike in the midwest
3) I will be able to swim outside in January
4) I will be done with teaching parish, which although I love the site that I am at, will give me aprox. 10 more hours in my week when I consider prep time, supervision, transportation and Sundays. I will have more time.
5) I am in favor of homosexual marriage and that this is more of a unanimous mentality at PLTS, and I think its more of a dividing issue at Luther.
6) Who doesn't want to visit a family member or friend in California to go to Napa????
7) I appreciate the diversity of ethnicities around the area with the university and the GTU, and I might find myself beginning to pick up some Spanish which I have always wanted to do
8) Maybe some of my newer acquaintances will develop into friendships
9) It seriously is not that long until the year is over and I am on internship...kind of a scary thought too
10) There is nothing like walking down Telegraph Ave. on a weekend. Street vendors are very interesting people to talk to. There are sometimes random concerts and parties going on that are free and open to the public. Bookstores are not just places to buy books but also where events take place. While I have not soaked up all the possibilities of the resource of the university, these are some of the things that come to mind when I think about the random fun I have found around that area.
11) One of the things that I think makes the bay area unique is the attention to health and wellness in addition to education and culture. Its not just a mentality that takes place around the schools, but its very much a flavor of the way people continously live their lives. This is something that I find that I fit right into.

So there are some aspects of this that won't be that bad. It takes away the weirdness of the teaching parish supervisor at the parish that did not work out very well hanging out around the campus. It takes away the weirdness of the last man who articulated a desire to date me (who I actually refused) is now married. (it is for the better, it just feels weird as i think that i am in more of a place to date now than i was then). It takes away from all of the other aspects that I am disappointed about. The possiblity of spending next summer in the Twin Cities is there as well, which helps. It is really a mixed bag right now. However I trust it will be good.

Honestly, I was not sure about this for a few days. But then when Obama won the presidential election, I felt like if there is hope for our country now, that there is hope for me as well. The odd thing is that despite these disappointments i trust that it is going to work out for the good. The frusteration is that I can not see in to a crystal ball about this, but it makes life stay seemingly interesting as well. And yet I have this odd sense of peace that everything is goign to turn out the way it is supposed to turn out. It will be good, I just do not know why yet. God, grant me patience is my next prayer. In the meantime, I could use prayers in all of these regards! Please keep in touch! I miss you all!