I know I loved the movie mama mia because it is basically a comedy and a movie musical. (Happiness all around) So I have been listening to it on you tube.
I decided that this was one of my favorite songs from the movie. I was disappointed to find out that it is John MCains favorite song as I am a huge Obama supporter. However it demonstrates that music is a human experience that transcends party lines...
Monday, August 18, 2008
Take A Chance On Me - Mamma Mia The Movie and Lyrics
Attempt to Define Myself
Because of my endorsement essay that I am struggling through on, I have been trying to figure out how I would really try to define myself. For now, I put it on my "about me" on my facebook page as I am always playing on there. I have a love/hate relationship with facebook because it can be a time waster and if not careful a substitute for real human interaction, yet i have found it helpful in maintaining connections with people from school and in constructing a social life for myself here in MN this summer. Its also an easy way to get information out there I want a lot of people to know about. I am not ashamed of anything yet I think that it is a helpful tool for me as I deliberate the public versus private for myself in ministry actually. Sometimes I put things on there and take it off again because I dont think everyone needs to know. Othertimes I kind of hope someone will comment on something that I had just written about myself as well in wanting some kind of interaction about what is on my mind. So its kind of a love/hate relationship I have with facebook. Really this love/hate relationship I have of facebook is not dissimilar to my love/hate relationship of the internet.
Communication has taken a different shape in this internet age. Its faster and more convienent and appeals to my introverted way of processing the world. It appeals to my love of writing and of gathering all kinds of information. But I prefer what I can touch: the phone in my hand in a conversation, a book or magazine on my couch, a friend right in front of me. Having someone or something right in front of me that seems more intimate, as it can be a little slower as it can give me the opportunity to experience things more with my senses. It feels more authentic to me. Yet I do acknowledge that often it is cheaper and a little less time consuming to find information or shop on the internet than it is to go elsewhere. I do acknowledge that facebook and this blog is a great way to stay in touch with people regardless as to where I live that I may have lost touch of otherwise. It seems more real to me to have a relationship or community away from the screen when possible. Yet I have this blog because I realize that this is the best way to share my stories with you friends who i do not get to see that often yet who I want to be involved in my life.
I think that I do have a love/hate relationship with this internet age in which we live. The writer in me enjoys the fact that people can read what I write. I the scholar in me loves the information I can find. Its just that I feel like I need to be able to actually experience things and this is done best when people and things are right in front of me and not having a screen distance us. Yet it connects me with people across the country. This is my love/hate relationship with the internet really.
However I thought that you all may be interested in the self description I have of myself for now that I did write for helping with my endorsement essay, that I did put on my facebook page. I've added and expanded on a few things since then. Here it is:
I feel this sense of paradox in my life frequently:I consider Berkeley, California and St. Paul, Minnesota to be home for very different reasons. I love the Lutheran church enough to want to be a pastor and tend to be very interested in reasons people are disinterested in church and different ways of looking at faith and spirituality. I am intellectually driven, wanting to understand all kinds of aspects of things and to be well read. I want and strive to be well learned. Yet I do have a certain pull to the arts as well with my big loves being literature, theater and music. I am a city girl who enjoys retreating in nature occasionally. I have an abiltiy to hold an idea or an interest and to be intellectually critical of it. I am good at figuring out how to obtain a goal and to try to make the goal happen. I have a pretty good work ethic and in evaluating what really needs to be done well and what is merely frivolous. I want everyone who wants to be included to be included yet I can be picky about who I share information about myself with.I love healthy food yet cant resist chocolate and wine. I do not like a life or enviornment driven by a need for money but I see how it is necessary to survive and enjoy this world. I'd rather really understand an experience or a person than making a lot of money. I question dining out from nutritional, enviornmental and economic distribution perspectives. Yet I enjoy the chances to get out of my home with friends and eat things I do not have the time to make (or wouldnt have thought of on my own). I don’t like to miss the party yet what I really love is good, long 1 on 1 conversations. Much of my adult life I feel like I have had a working class income and middle class values. I appreciate technology's convience yet question the kind of shape our culture is taking in its dependence on it. My friends and family mean everything to me but I tend to be pretty independent in how I live my life. I generally don’t like to own a lot of stuff yet I can not resist owning reading material. I am not a fan of commercial TV but I do enjoy good movies on DVD. I have the mental capacity to read all day but my body isn’t happy if I don’t take the time to do something more active after awhile. (My favorite thing to do is swim). I want this world to be a better place with equality for all people yet I don’t like to take action on things until I have had a chance to consider a cause intellectually and to think of how it is communicated before I go ahead and take a lot of action. I beleive in examining my motives. I appreciate the experiences I have had and the things I have learned in life. However I view this as continous as there are still many experiences I would like to have and things I would like to learn. I view reading things and experiencing things as things I would like my entire life to be about, not just things I have did in school. I find that I care about a lot of people and and am interested in a lot of activities yet have to remind myself that I am only one person and I can’t do it all. This frusterates me because there is a part of me that appreciates knowing a few things well over a little about alot. Yet my heart is too big and my head is too curious to really sucessfully pull this off. This forces me to think about what I really want and need in my life and appreciative of the variety of people I know and experiences I have had. I am only one person who is eager to learn about and experience much of the world. Fortunately I have have a pretty good work ethic. I am good evaluating what really needs to be done well and what is merely frivolous. I am good at managing my resources of time and money effectively for these goals; yet this does not mean I do not dream about other things that I could possibly do or accomplish. I have a pretty good sense of when to work and when to play.My challenge is that I enjoy tasks that are perceived of as “work.”
Communication has taken a different shape in this internet age. Its faster and more convienent and appeals to my introverted way of processing the world. It appeals to my love of writing and of gathering all kinds of information. But I prefer what I can touch: the phone in my hand in a conversation, a book or magazine on my couch, a friend right in front of me. Having someone or something right in front of me that seems more intimate, as it can be a little slower as it can give me the opportunity to experience things more with my senses. It feels more authentic to me. Yet I do acknowledge that often it is cheaper and a little less time consuming to find information or shop on the internet than it is to go elsewhere. I do acknowledge that facebook and this blog is a great way to stay in touch with people regardless as to where I live that I may have lost touch of otherwise. It seems more real to me to have a relationship or community away from the screen when possible. Yet I have this blog because I realize that this is the best way to share my stories with you friends who i do not get to see that often yet who I want to be involved in my life.
I think that I do have a love/hate relationship with this internet age in which we live. The writer in me enjoys the fact that people can read what I write. I the scholar in me loves the information I can find. Its just that I feel like I need to be able to actually experience things and this is done best when people and things are right in front of me and not having a screen distance us. Yet it connects me with people across the country. This is my love/hate relationship with the internet really.
However I thought that you all may be interested in the self description I have of myself for now that I did write for helping with my endorsement essay, that I did put on my facebook page. I've added and expanded on a few things since then. Here it is:
I feel this sense of paradox in my life frequently:I consider Berkeley, California and St. Paul, Minnesota to be home for very different reasons. I love the Lutheran church enough to want to be a pastor and tend to be very interested in reasons people are disinterested in church and different ways of looking at faith and spirituality. I am intellectually driven, wanting to understand all kinds of aspects of things and to be well read. I want and strive to be well learned. Yet I do have a certain pull to the arts as well with my big loves being literature, theater and music. I am a city girl who enjoys retreating in nature occasionally. I have an abiltiy to hold an idea or an interest and to be intellectually critical of it. I am good at figuring out how to obtain a goal and to try to make the goal happen. I have a pretty good work ethic and in evaluating what really needs to be done well and what is merely frivolous. I want everyone who wants to be included to be included yet I can be picky about who I share information about myself with.I love healthy food yet cant resist chocolate and wine. I do not like a life or enviornment driven by a need for money but I see how it is necessary to survive and enjoy this world. I'd rather really understand an experience or a person than making a lot of money. I question dining out from nutritional, enviornmental and economic distribution perspectives. Yet I enjoy the chances to get out of my home with friends and eat things I do not have the time to make (or wouldnt have thought of on my own). I don’t like to miss the party yet what I really love is good, long 1 on 1 conversations. Much of my adult life I feel like I have had a working class income and middle class values. I appreciate technology's convience yet question the kind of shape our culture is taking in its dependence on it. My friends and family mean everything to me but I tend to be pretty independent in how I live my life. I generally don’t like to own a lot of stuff yet I can not resist owning reading material. I am not a fan of commercial TV but I do enjoy good movies on DVD. I have the mental capacity to read all day but my body isn’t happy if I don’t take the time to do something more active after awhile. (My favorite thing to do is swim). I want this world to be a better place with equality for all people yet I don’t like to take action on things until I have had a chance to consider a cause intellectually and to think of how it is communicated before I go ahead and take a lot of action. I beleive in examining my motives. I appreciate the experiences I have had and the things I have learned in life. However I view this as continous as there are still many experiences I would like to have and things I would like to learn. I view reading things and experiencing things as things I would like my entire life to be about, not just things I have did in school. I find that I care about a lot of people and and am interested in a lot of activities yet have to remind myself that I am only one person and I can’t do it all. This frusterates me because there is a part of me that appreciates knowing a few things well over a little about alot. Yet my heart is too big and my head is too curious to really sucessfully pull this off. This forces me to think about what I really want and need in my life and appreciative of the variety of people I know and experiences I have had. I am only one person who is eager to learn about and experience much of the world. Fortunately I have have a pretty good work ethic. I am good evaluating what really needs to be done well and what is merely frivolous. I am good at managing my resources of time and money effectively for these goals; yet this does not mean I do not dream about other things that I could possibly do or accomplish. I have a pretty good sense of when to work and when to play.My challenge is that I enjoy tasks that are perceived of as “work.”
Friday, August 15, 2008
Sucessful Surgery
By the way, the surgery went really well. It was sucessful and it was indeed just a cyst. All good news. I am now in a foot brace because of the placement of the stitches. I wound up being on complete bed rest for a few days afterward. I was glad that I did this while I am living with my mom in Minnesota. I slept most of the time while I was on bed rest.
Immedietely coming out of bed rest I left for Chicago for an amazingly inspiring mission developing conference. I do want to share more about my experiences at this conference with you all. However I will write more about this at a later date because I want to be able to have a little more time to share some of the stories around this. However it was a little challenging getting around with a brace and a crutch. A friend of mine from seminary who was not in my moms class but who came to the conference, people in my class and my mom were all amazingly helpful and supportive in my trying to get around. It really was a fun, healthy bunch of people. More details in the near future.
The thing is that the foot has needed to be elevated for awhile. However not so much anymore. What is driving me crazy right now is that I am not able to drive and i cant get it wet. It is a project for me to get into the shower as I need to have a plastic bag around that to not get it wet. And swimming is one of the things that keeps me sane as well so that is a challenge. But it will be a lot less painful to swim now that the darn lump is off. The stiches and brace comes off on the 19th and I leave for Berkeley on the 25th. The surgery was a sucess and I appreciate all of your prayers!
Immedietely coming out of bed rest I left for Chicago for an amazingly inspiring mission developing conference. I do want to share more about my experiences at this conference with you all. However I will write more about this at a later date because I want to be able to have a little more time to share some of the stories around this. However it was a little challenging getting around with a brace and a crutch. A friend of mine from seminary who was not in my moms class but who came to the conference, people in my class and my mom were all amazingly helpful and supportive in my trying to get around. It really was a fun, healthy bunch of people. More details in the near future.
The thing is that the foot has needed to be elevated for awhile. However not so much anymore. What is driving me crazy right now is that I am not able to drive and i cant get it wet. It is a project for me to get into the shower as I need to have a plastic bag around that to not get it wet. And swimming is one of the things that keeps me sane as well so that is a challenge. But it will be a lot less painful to swim now that the darn lump is off. The stiches and brace comes off on the 19th and I leave for Berkeley on the 25th. The surgery was a sucess and I appreciate all of your prayers!
TV or Not TV??
My mom and I keep on getting phone calls about possibly getting cable. The answer of course is no because of the constraints on our time and on our dollars. This prompts some reflection on my attitudes towards television. Growing up we really did not have much access to television either. I think that this is a decision that has deeply influenced me. One of the reasons why I am dreading going back to Berkeley is that in the dormitory the TV shows you watch or do not watch is kind of what formulates who you do and do not hang out with. This is actually a culture that I have a love/hate relationship with to be honest. I am not one to really say that watching TV is actually all bad. I actually like some even major time shows. My preference is to have a TV and DVD player and to rent or buy the TV shows that I am interested in. The majority of the time, the shows that I watch are ones I was introduced to by someone because I do not like to put in the time to figure out what shows that I want to follow and do not want to follow. While I am generally introduced to the things I like in a social context, my real preference is to watch it alone. For me, watching something is generally a way for me to wind down and recharge by myself. And sometimes my honest impressions of it are more likely to come out because when I watch something with someone else I tend to be deeply influenced by what they say while I am trying to figure out my reaction to it. This is one of the ways that I become aware that my introversion is one of the ways that my brain operates in the way that I process things and the way I behave when I am tired and need to recharge. When I am around people I generally prefer to be fully present and I think that sometimes watching things encourages us to not be fully present. It can be a shared experience but I sometimes would rather experience the real world with people and have a preference for live entertainment in a social context. However to be fair I find myself weighing the pros and cons in not being into watching cable televison.
CONS:
+Most people watch cable TV. Small talk often revolves around TV shows. It is hard to find a connection point with people in not having exposure to what they watch in some way.
+ On a similar note, we live in a culture of TV. As a minister in training I am to be a reader of my surrounding culture. Deciding not to watch TV at all can be perceived of as self righteous or disinterested in the context of this culture.
+In the not watching TV world the level of activity can be really high and the ability to stop and relax can be non existant.
+While it is easy to netflix or buy most TV series in this day and age, you can miss out on events like the football season and the olympics in not owning a TV
+There are actually shows that are actually worth taking the time to watch. Not watching TV at all is actually missing enjoyable experiences.
+Sometimes distraction and noise is welcome company. TV is a wonderful invention in times this is wanted.
PROS
+There is a lot of bad TV out there. You need to take the time to watch the bad TV in order to find what is good.
+It is one way to not participate in our overly consumeristic culture and be influenced by advertizing.
+TV somehow knows how to suck you in even if you think its something you do not want to watch. Not the opportunity to get sucked into this is a way to protect your time for other things.
+Watching TV is a very unfulfilling task in contrast to taking the time to read a book, cook a meal, have a conversation, etc.
+For some reason the lack of TV seems to improve my work ethics.
+In not having the TV on all the time there is more chance for truly enjoying solitude when alone and conversation when with others.
+Not having TV makes me feel less guilty about getting involved in things. When I buy somethingI like to maximize it. I do not want a life where I am maximizing TV watching.
I think that the healthy approach is having some kind of way to find moderation to all of this!
CONS:
+Most people watch cable TV. Small talk often revolves around TV shows. It is hard to find a connection point with people in not having exposure to what they watch in some way.
+ On a similar note, we live in a culture of TV. As a minister in training I am to be a reader of my surrounding culture. Deciding not to watch TV at all can be perceived of as self righteous or disinterested in the context of this culture.
+In the not watching TV world the level of activity can be really high and the ability to stop and relax can be non existant.
+While it is easy to netflix or buy most TV series in this day and age, you can miss out on events like the football season and the olympics in not owning a TV
+There are actually shows that are actually worth taking the time to watch. Not watching TV at all is actually missing enjoyable experiences.
+Sometimes distraction and noise is welcome company. TV is a wonderful invention in times this is wanted.
PROS
+There is a lot of bad TV out there. You need to take the time to watch the bad TV in order to find what is good.
+It is one way to not participate in our overly consumeristic culture and be influenced by advertizing.
+TV somehow knows how to suck you in even if you think its something you do not want to watch. Not the opportunity to get sucked into this is a way to protect your time for other things.
+Watching TV is a very unfulfilling task in contrast to taking the time to read a book, cook a meal, have a conversation, etc.
+For some reason the lack of TV seems to improve my work ethics.
+In not having the TV on all the time there is more chance for truly enjoying solitude when alone and conversation when with others.
+Not having TV makes me feel less guilty about getting involved in things. When I buy somethingI like to maximize it. I do not want a life where I am maximizing TV watching.
I think that the healthy approach is having some kind of way to find moderation to all of this!
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Foot Surgery This Week...
I found a lump on my foot this last semester. I remember I found it the same day that I heard that Bret Farve was leaving the Packers. I was watching a DVD when I saw that there was this big fat lump on the back of my foot. I am a wild, violent sleeper. So intially, I thought that I may have just bruised my foot in my sleep somehow. In college, I managed to sprain my knee in my sleep somehow once even. However when the lump did not go down after a few weeks, I saw the need to be concerned.
I saw a doctor in Berkeley and surgery was recommended indefiniately. However when I found out that it was probably not for something that was a pressing manner, I decided to have surgery done this summer. With my class schedule and my primary doctor at the Mayo Clinic's schedule, it took me awhile to get in to see the doctor. Once I saw the doctor, when she saw the placement of this lump she said that she was not sure if it was something that general surgery could do or if it needed to be done by people in foot surgery. In inquiring, both places thought it was the other persons responsiblity with the placement on my foot. It isnt an internal problem, said foot surgery, therefore it should be general surgery. General surgery said that if it was on my foot, it should be the foot surgery's department. They argued for a good half hour before they gave me an appointment for general surgery. My doctor did not want me to come to Rochester from St. Paul only to be told that I had to see the other department. However when general surgery took one look at my foot they told me that they could not operate on it because there are a lot of nerves on my foot that could be ruined by a doctor with whom feet was not their speciality.
So I tried to get an appointment with foot surgery after having my foot xrayed. They told me that they could give me something at the end of August. Knowing that I would be back in Berkeley by that time I told them that it was not possible. They switched things around and gave me an appointment for the end of July, warning me not to expect to get anything dealt with anytime soon as it was only a presurgical appointment. Is there any way to get in sooner, I asked. They told me that what I could do was come in in the morning as a "checker". This meant being someone with an appointment scheduled but not scheduled for that day. And then if there was any time they would take me in. I asked what the chances were if I did this that I would get in sooner. They told me a slim 50-50 chance. So for two days, I camped out at the Mayo Clinic with coffee in one hand and my Bible (studying for my prophets class) in the other. I finally got in to see a doctor about two weeks ago.
When he showed me my x-ray he told me that it was not any internal problem with the foot. As a result, I may need to be warned that there is a chance that it could be cancer. Do I want to have an MRI to rule out the possibility of cancer he asked or do I want to just have the lump removed he asked. I asked him what he would do if he were me, he told me that he would reccommend having an MRI before having the lump removed. They were able to get me in for an MRI later that afternoon, so I found myself reminscing about being a chaplain at Mayo Clinic for a seminary requirement that afternoon. Honestly, on one hand I was not too worried. I knew it was not cancer as I remembered getting sick in college and being brought into ER. I had a dream that I had pnuemonia afew nights before. The doctors thought that my symptoms pointed to mono. But when I told them I was worried that it might be pneumonia they gave me an x-ray to sooth my soul. And it turned out that I honestly did have pneumonia. Between that and many other little things in which I seem to have a 6th sense about things in general, I really was not too worried about cancer. I know myself where I would have instinctively known somehow that something was wrong. And I think I would have had more symptoms than that if it was cancer. Even though I had all of these things in my favor knowing that it was not cancer, there is something that seems to invoke fear when a medical authority brings up that word. To sooth myself, I found myself imagining that I was a chaplain in this situation. I went in for the MRI.
The result of the MRI was that I did not have cancer but that I did have a cyst on my foot that needs to be removed. So, tommorrow I am having a presurgical appointment. This Thursday I will have surgery on my foot.
I am going to be glad to get rid of the lump on my foot. Honestly, it has been a pain literally. However I have tried for it not to inhibit my living life. So I have resorted to wearing shoes that cover my foot entirely or wearing sandals for awhile. In Berkeley I would often try to hop around on one foot in the dorms when no one was looking and then pretending that nothing was wrong when people did see me. I love to swim and so I never let it stop me at all. But this meant that I had to pop alot of ibprofen in order to survive. For teaching parish I often wore shoes with a bit of a heel so that hurt. Also, the foot that I drive with is the foot that the lump is on. The placement of it hurts quite a bit.
I have not wanted to let it get in the way of my enjoying life this summer by any means. I have been to a few museums, I walk to the library whenever possible and I love to swim. I have never really wanted to let the pain of it hold me back. I have enjoyed being active and social quite a bit this summer. So I will be releived for it to come off because I have been living with the pain for quite some time.
However I am a little nervous as to what the surgery could bring as well. While it is a minor outpatient surgery, I will confess that I am nervous about how it could slow me down potentially. I realize that I do not have a lot of time in the Twin Cities. I had originally hoped to volunteer at the Fringe Festival to get free tickets and to meet cool artistic people. However that starts the same day as surgery and I did not want to make any promises that I could not keep as I was told I will be in a lot of pain. So I contacted the volunteer coordinators for that to let them know I could no longer do that. Since it is the foot that I drive with as well I am a little worried about how this could potentially impact my social life, as I realize that there are a lot of people that I want to spend more time with in my limited time left in Minnesota. It is kind of bringing out a desire to be here a lot longer than I am here for. Swimming several times a week is one of the things that keeps me sane. As a result, I am worried that this could be taken away from me as well as it is frequently one of my sanity points. I think that I am not so nervous about the surgery itself as much as the ramifications that the surgery could bring about. For someone who considers herself pretty introverted, the realization of the priorities to be physically active and social are there. So prayers in this regard are needed. Also, prayers to make sure that the surgery goes okay are requested as well. While I have faith that it is going to be sucessful, I am aware that things could still potentially go wrong as well. So prayers for that are needed as well.
In perspective I realize that this is not so bad in contrast to having been hospitalized for a month and being in a wheelchair and a halo only about 4 years ago as well. This perspective helps me quite a bit in many regards. Yet I realize how much I really value taking charge of my life as much as possible and this is something that I can not take charge of much. So prayers are requested. I will keep you all posted on how things turn out, but please pray for me right now with this upcoming surgery.
I saw a doctor in Berkeley and surgery was recommended indefiniately. However when I found out that it was probably not for something that was a pressing manner, I decided to have surgery done this summer. With my class schedule and my primary doctor at the Mayo Clinic's schedule, it took me awhile to get in to see the doctor. Once I saw the doctor, when she saw the placement of this lump she said that she was not sure if it was something that general surgery could do or if it needed to be done by people in foot surgery. In inquiring, both places thought it was the other persons responsiblity with the placement on my foot. It isnt an internal problem, said foot surgery, therefore it should be general surgery. General surgery said that if it was on my foot, it should be the foot surgery's department. They argued for a good half hour before they gave me an appointment for general surgery. My doctor did not want me to come to Rochester from St. Paul only to be told that I had to see the other department. However when general surgery took one look at my foot they told me that they could not operate on it because there are a lot of nerves on my foot that could be ruined by a doctor with whom feet was not their speciality.
So I tried to get an appointment with foot surgery after having my foot xrayed. They told me that they could give me something at the end of August. Knowing that I would be back in Berkeley by that time I told them that it was not possible. They switched things around and gave me an appointment for the end of July, warning me not to expect to get anything dealt with anytime soon as it was only a presurgical appointment. Is there any way to get in sooner, I asked. They told me that what I could do was come in in the morning as a "checker". This meant being someone with an appointment scheduled but not scheduled for that day. And then if there was any time they would take me in. I asked what the chances were if I did this that I would get in sooner. They told me a slim 50-50 chance. So for two days, I camped out at the Mayo Clinic with coffee in one hand and my Bible (studying for my prophets class) in the other. I finally got in to see a doctor about two weeks ago.
When he showed me my x-ray he told me that it was not any internal problem with the foot. As a result, I may need to be warned that there is a chance that it could be cancer. Do I want to have an MRI to rule out the possibility of cancer he asked or do I want to just have the lump removed he asked. I asked him what he would do if he were me, he told me that he would reccommend having an MRI before having the lump removed. They were able to get me in for an MRI later that afternoon, so I found myself reminscing about being a chaplain at Mayo Clinic for a seminary requirement that afternoon. Honestly, on one hand I was not too worried. I knew it was not cancer as I remembered getting sick in college and being brought into ER. I had a dream that I had pnuemonia afew nights before. The doctors thought that my symptoms pointed to mono. But when I told them I was worried that it might be pneumonia they gave me an x-ray to sooth my soul. And it turned out that I honestly did have pneumonia. Between that and many other little things in which I seem to have a 6th sense about things in general, I really was not too worried about cancer. I know myself where I would have instinctively known somehow that something was wrong. And I think I would have had more symptoms than that if it was cancer. Even though I had all of these things in my favor knowing that it was not cancer, there is something that seems to invoke fear when a medical authority brings up that word. To sooth myself, I found myself imagining that I was a chaplain in this situation. I went in for the MRI.
The result of the MRI was that I did not have cancer but that I did have a cyst on my foot that needs to be removed. So, tommorrow I am having a presurgical appointment. This Thursday I will have surgery on my foot.
I am going to be glad to get rid of the lump on my foot. Honestly, it has been a pain literally. However I have tried for it not to inhibit my living life. So I have resorted to wearing shoes that cover my foot entirely or wearing sandals for awhile. In Berkeley I would often try to hop around on one foot in the dorms when no one was looking and then pretending that nothing was wrong when people did see me. I love to swim and so I never let it stop me at all. But this meant that I had to pop alot of ibprofen in order to survive. For teaching parish I often wore shoes with a bit of a heel so that hurt. Also, the foot that I drive with is the foot that the lump is on. The placement of it hurts quite a bit.
I have not wanted to let it get in the way of my enjoying life this summer by any means. I have been to a few museums, I walk to the library whenever possible and I love to swim. I have never really wanted to let the pain of it hold me back. I have enjoyed being active and social quite a bit this summer. So I will be releived for it to come off because I have been living with the pain for quite some time.
However I am a little nervous as to what the surgery could bring as well. While it is a minor outpatient surgery, I will confess that I am nervous about how it could slow me down potentially. I realize that I do not have a lot of time in the Twin Cities. I had originally hoped to volunteer at the Fringe Festival to get free tickets and to meet cool artistic people. However that starts the same day as surgery and I did not want to make any promises that I could not keep as I was told I will be in a lot of pain. So I contacted the volunteer coordinators for that to let them know I could no longer do that. Since it is the foot that I drive with as well I am a little worried about how this could potentially impact my social life, as I realize that there are a lot of people that I want to spend more time with in my limited time left in Minnesota. It is kind of bringing out a desire to be here a lot longer than I am here for. Swimming several times a week is one of the things that keeps me sane. As a result, I am worried that this could be taken away from me as well as it is frequently one of my sanity points. I think that I am not so nervous about the surgery itself as much as the ramifications that the surgery could bring about. For someone who considers herself pretty introverted, the realization of the priorities to be physically active and social are there. So prayers in this regard are needed. Also, prayers to make sure that the surgery goes okay are requested as well. While I have faith that it is going to be sucessful, I am aware that things could still potentially go wrong as well. So prayers for that are needed as well.
In perspective I realize that this is not so bad in contrast to having been hospitalized for a month and being in a wheelchair and a halo only about 4 years ago as well. This perspective helps me quite a bit in many regards. Yet I realize how much I really value taking charge of my life as much as possible and this is something that I can not take charge of much. So prayers are requested. I will keep you all posted on how things turn out, but please pray for me right now with this upcoming surgery.
Friday, July 25, 2008
A New Beginning...
I have not blogged as much as my summer progressed as I would have liked to. One of the big reasons is that I have opportunities to actually really connect with many of you face to face in my being back in the midwest. So I think that I have generally been given more of a chance to articulate things in person than over the internet. I find that in some regards even though I really enjoy writing I almost prefer the face to face or phone conversations. However it was easier to keep everyone updated via this blog on the internet in being a full time student in another part of the country. With all that in mind, I felt compelled to write a little bit on some of the major things that have happened to me this summer since I have written last.
My priorities in the Twin Cities for the summer have been connecting with friends and family and enjoying the culture of the Twin Cities. In terms of fun things around the Cities, since I posted last, I have been to: the Walker Art Center, to the Minneapolis Institute of Art, been to a few churches in the area with friends, a performance by a troupe called the Rock Star Storytellers, Good Earth Village (the camp I worked at in college) and have caught up with friends over cups of coffee and meals.
In the midst of all of this more fun activity, I have actually been dealing with a BIG life change:
my dad did his last Sunday at People of Hope and my parents put their house up for sale. In one way, I feel like I said my goodbye to Rochester and People of Hope when I made the decision to move out to Berkeley. I feel like I have stayed in touch with the people that I wanted to be in touch with thanks to the internet and cell phones. And maybe then I think I could be a lot better than I really am (although I think this blog helps quite a bit). I feel like I have drifted apart from other people, not due to a lack of caring or interest as much as geographical distance and differences can make people fluctuate in and out of a person's life. I am living in the Twin Cities for the summer so in many regards I do not even view my parents house as home. And maybe it stopped being an actual home to me a long time ago, but rather a place for me to live for brief stints of time and to store my stuff. (Hence is the life of trying to establish myself).
Yet despite all of that, I really feel like I have been overcome by grief in many regards. This is the place that my family coming from all corners of the country seemed to have as a common ground in our geographical distance. This is the place where we shared a lot of good memories and struggles together as we were growing up. This is the place that I knew would always be there for me no matter what I did with my life. I realize that in many regards I am reflecting more on the nature of my family than on what this place really is. The reality is that the shape of my family has changed quite a bit over these years. We all still love each other deeply and enjoy being together. However I think that the fact that we are selling this house really seems to bring out the point for me in which we are all geographically living in quite different places. Its a changing face for my family which brings out a certain level of lonliness and uncertainty.
Also, I think I am hungry for a sense of home. I realize that in my adult life I have often just lived where there has been just one bedroom for me to have all of my personal belongings in. I think that this is sufficient in knowing that where I am living is very temporary on one hand. On the other hand it is hard to feel properly organized as an adult only having one room for your stuff instead of a house or apartment. The apartment I am living in this summer has felt the most like a real world situation that I probably have ever really had in my adult life. Its suffiecnet for the temporary stints that student life brings. I enjoy the intellectual life of being a student but am getting tired of temporary living spaces. My parents house was the most permanant space that I had really. So I think that their selling their house brings out the realities of my feeling like some kind of nomad at this point in my life.
In being away from my family and not having a sense of permanance in my living space, there is a sense of lonliness that comes about too. The most continous community outside of my family that I have had was my class at PLTS. Most of the people in my class at PLTS are heading out on their internships soon, and the person in my class who registered for similar classes as me for the fall is now deceased. In thinking about this community that I have said goodbyes to, I realize that my sense of community as been one that has not had any level of permanance to it at all. While there is cell phones, facebook, emails, blogs, etc as ways to keep in touch, I also realize that it isnt the same as seeing people face to face, which I much prefer. However such things are tools to maintain communication but there is a sadness in not having those right in front of me as well.
I think that what this move is doing for me is making me realize the lack of permanance that my life has had. The other day I was asked to write down my current address for something and I found myself going through 5 different addresses in my brain before I was able to identify the one I was currently at. While it is comical there is the realization of how much of my life has been devoted to constantly moving.
The realities that I am single and not gainfully employed become very apparent to me in this constant moving. However, I also realize within all of these griefs that I have dealt with here and there that endings have to come for new beginnings to start. I realize that even though its tiring to meet new people, its exciting too because there is always the hope that maybe this person will be someone who will join me on life's journey, or part of it. I realize that even though its tiring to be constantly living in different places that its only for while I am trying to accomplish my goals and I am glad that I am doing this travelling while I am single and without kids because if and when I marry and/or have kids, it will be even more difficult. I think that to a certain degree I actually like my life right now, it is just that I am beginning to feel weary from constantly moving around. My strength and comfort comes from God and God alone. Yet I think that I want something in this world that I can cling to. Something that helps me get a sense of home somewhere.
I have been fully appreciating my time in the Cities and spending time with old and new friends alike. Sometimes I get this fantasy of finding a job and an apartment here instead of going back to Berkeley in the fall. But what would that accomplish in the long run? I think that having a lot more patience with the process and continuing to enjoy the journey (as exhausting and lonely as it may be) will make me feel more true to myself and to God in the long run. But the temptation is so large right now. But I realize what I am hungry for probably more than anything is a sense of home right now. For some reason I have not really felt that sense full in Berkeley as much as I have enjoyed my life there. And my sense of home was really kind of at my parents house. I think that I am longing to have a sense of home somewhere. So I pray for patience as it may not be in my present moment but the future is not as far away as it seems. However it makes me realize that maybe a relationship with God may be the only thing that I can cling onto for certain but that people and places are really important in my life as a human being. I can appreciate what I have now but it won't be around tommorrow. I think this gives me a different kind of understanding to Matthew 6.
Yet as I said earlier that I have to remind myself is that endings need to occur for new beginnings to start. So in the midst of all of this I am kind of excited to see what God will do in light of all of this grief. A sense of curiousity as to what this new beginning may be and a sense of excitement to taste it...
My priorities in the Twin Cities for the summer have been connecting with friends and family and enjoying the culture of the Twin Cities. In terms of fun things around the Cities, since I posted last, I have been to: the Walker Art Center, to the Minneapolis Institute of Art, been to a few churches in the area with friends, a performance by a troupe called the Rock Star Storytellers, Good Earth Village (the camp I worked at in college) and have caught up with friends over cups of coffee and meals.
In the midst of all of this more fun activity, I have actually been dealing with a BIG life change:
my dad did his last Sunday at People of Hope and my parents put their house up for sale. In one way, I feel like I said my goodbye to Rochester and People of Hope when I made the decision to move out to Berkeley. I feel like I have stayed in touch with the people that I wanted to be in touch with thanks to the internet and cell phones. And maybe then I think I could be a lot better than I really am (although I think this blog helps quite a bit). I feel like I have drifted apart from other people, not due to a lack of caring or interest as much as geographical distance and differences can make people fluctuate in and out of a person's life. I am living in the Twin Cities for the summer so in many regards I do not even view my parents house as home. And maybe it stopped being an actual home to me a long time ago, but rather a place for me to live for brief stints of time and to store my stuff. (Hence is the life of trying to establish myself).
Yet despite all of that, I really feel like I have been overcome by grief in many regards. This is the place that my family coming from all corners of the country seemed to have as a common ground in our geographical distance. This is the place where we shared a lot of good memories and struggles together as we were growing up. This is the place that I knew would always be there for me no matter what I did with my life. I realize that in many regards I am reflecting more on the nature of my family than on what this place really is. The reality is that the shape of my family has changed quite a bit over these years. We all still love each other deeply and enjoy being together. However I think that the fact that we are selling this house really seems to bring out the point for me in which we are all geographically living in quite different places. Its a changing face for my family which brings out a certain level of lonliness and uncertainty.
Also, I think I am hungry for a sense of home. I realize that in my adult life I have often just lived where there has been just one bedroom for me to have all of my personal belongings in. I think that this is sufficient in knowing that where I am living is very temporary on one hand. On the other hand it is hard to feel properly organized as an adult only having one room for your stuff instead of a house or apartment. The apartment I am living in this summer has felt the most like a real world situation that I probably have ever really had in my adult life. Its suffiecnet for the temporary stints that student life brings. I enjoy the intellectual life of being a student but am getting tired of temporary living spaces. My parents house was the most permanant space that I had really. So I think that their selling their house brings out the realities of my feeling like some kind of nomad at this point in my life.
In being away from my family and not having a sense of permanance in my living space, there is a sense of lonliness that comes about too. The most continous community outside of my family that I have had was my class at PLTS. Most of the people in my class at PLTS are heading out on their internships soon, and the person in my class who registered for similar classes as me for the fall is now deceased. In thinking about this community that I have said goodbyes to, I realize that my sense of community as been one that has not had any level of permanance to it at all. While there is cell phones, facebook, emails, blogs, etc as ways to keep in touch, I also realize that it isnt the same as seeing people face to face, which I much prefer. However such things are tools to maintain communication but there is a sadness in not having those right in front of me as well.
I think that what this move is doing for me is making me realize the lack of permanance that my life has had. The other day I was asked to write down my current address for something and I found myself going through 5 different addresses in my brain before I was able to identify the one I was currently at. While it is comical there is the realization of how much of my life has been devoted to constantly moving.
The realities that I am single and not gainfully employed become very apparent to me in this constant moving. However, I also realize within all of these griefs that I have dealt with here and there that endings have to come for new beginnings to start. I realize that even though its tiring to meet new people, its exciting too because there is always the hope that maybe this person will be someone who will join me on life's journey, or part of it. I realize that even though its tiring to be constantly living in different places that its only for while I am trying to accomplish my goals and I am glad that I am doing this travelling while I am single and without kids because if and when I marry and/or have kids, it will be even more difficult. I think that to a certain degree I actually like my life right now, it is just that I am beginning to feel weary from constantly moving around. My strength and comfort comes from God and God alone. Yet I think that I want something in this world that I can cling to. Something that helps me get a sense of home somewhere.
I have been fully appreciating my time in the Cities and spending time with old and new friends alike. Sometimes I get this fantasy of finding a job and an apartment here instead of going back to Berkeley in the fall. But what would that accomplish in the long run? I think that having a lot more patience with the process and continuing to enjoy the journey (as exhausting and lonely as it may be) will make me feel more true to myself and to God in the long run. But the temptation is so large right now. But I realize what I am hungry for probably more than anything is a sense of home right now. For some reason I have not really felt that sense full in Berkeley as much as I have enjoyed my life there. And my sense of home was really kind of at my parents house. I think that I am longing to have a sense of home somewhere. So I pray for patience as it may not be in my present moment but the future is not as far away as it seems. However it makes me realize that maybe a relationship with God may be the only thing that I can cling onto for certain but that people and places are really important in my life as a human being. I can appreciate what I have now but it won't be around tommorrow. I think this gives me a different kind of understanding to Matthew 6.
Yet as I said earlier that I have to remind myself is that endings need to occur for new beginnings to start. So in the midst of all of this I am kind of excited to see what God will do in light of all of this grief. A sense of curiousity as to what this new beginning may be and a sense of excitement to taste it...
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
A Tribute to the Masque
Okay, I need to admit: I hate things that are too cheesy. I like to have a positive outlook on life but it does not strike me as very honest to not offer some form of criticism as well. Otherwise it sounds like some kind of pep fest for the person or idea that you are discussing instead of a time to delve into some critical questions. (Ah, the perpetual independent thinker I am...) However, I have recently been asked to write some kind of tribute to the Masque Youth Theatre and School, where the director Sylvia Langworthy is retiring. I was involved with the Masque actively when I was younger, so this is what I finaly found myself writing, trying not to be overly cheesy in my approach:
When I heard that there was going to be a collection of stories about Sylvia and the Masque, I was excited to participate in this. However, as I sat down to try to write, I found myself unable to do so effectively. The timing is actually pretty bad because I am finally able to look at these stories, acknowledge how they impacted me, and release them. The reliving of these stories at this point in time formulates questions about what was and what could have been. Right now I am at a place where I am more concerned about what I am now and who I might be able to become even though I have plenty of interesting stories I could tell. Yet, within this context, however, I would say that the Masque and Sylvia has left quite an imprint in terms of some of the values that I am finding myself leaning toward.
I am in graduate school with Berkeley, California as my main geographical base in preparation to become a minister in the context of the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America. One of the things that they often stress to us is that as future clergy members is how important it is to find people that we would want to be around who are not affliated with the church so that we have a sense of social support somehow. While I have a variety of interests that I could see myself happy to pursue outside the context of the church, the thing that I always think about as a top priority is getting involved with a local theater in some capacity. The community that is formulated around putting a show together is beautiful really as it draws people from a variety of backgrounds and interests together who are interested in bringing a show to life. The creativity that is involved in putting a show together still captivates me the same way it did when I was a child. I truly can not think of anywhere else that I have ever experienced the combination of community and creativity as I have in the context of putting any play together. The Masque is not the only place that I have experienced this in the context of theater. However the Masque is the place that really introduced me to these concepts and I am forever indebted to that.
Also, I think that wanting to be involved with the Masque as well as doing well in school really suited me well. I have a very creative, over active mind. Being in plays really suited me quite well because it was the beginning of articulating my world of imagination to other people. It was also good for me because being involved with plays, especially under Sylvia’s direction, taught me a lot about discipline and priorities at a young age. It actually helped me to become a better student, which I am forever indebted to her for as I am now in a masters degree program.
In many ways, Sylvia and the Masque has left a positive impact on me. Maybe my criticism comes from the fact that often what works for us as a child is not the same as what works as an adult. Yet as my reflection demonstrates, I still bring in a love of the arts, especially theater and literature into my adult world as well. Sylvia and the Masque really nurtured these tendencies of mine as a child, which made me become the person that I am today.
When I heard that there was going to be a collection of stories about Sylvia and the Masque, I was excited to participate in this. However, as I sat down to try to write, I found myself unable to do so effectively. The timing is actually pretty bad because I am finally able to look at these stories, acknowledge how they impacted me, and release them. The reliving of these stories at this point in time formulates questions about what was and what could have been. Right now I am at a place where I am more concerned about what I am now and who I might be able to become even though I have plenty of interesting stories I could tell. Yet, within this context, however, I would say that the Masque and Sylvia has left quite an imprint in terms of some of the values that I am finding myself leaning toward.
I am in graduate school with Berkeley, California as my main geographical base in preparation to become a minister in the context of the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America. One of the things that they often stress to us is that as future clergy members is how important it is to find people that we would want to be around who are not affliated with the church so that we have a sense of social support somehow. While I have a variety of interests that I could see myself happy to pursue outside the context of the church, the thing that I always think about as a top priority is getting involved with a local theater in some capacity. The community that is formulated around putting a show together is beautiful really as it draws people from a variety of backgrounds and interests together who are interested in bringing a show to life. The creativity that is involved in putting a show together still captivates me the same way it did when I was a child. I truly can not think of anywhere else that I have ever experienced the combination of community and creativity as I have in the context of putting any play together. The Masque is not the only place that I have experienced this in the context of theater. However the Masque is the place that really introduced me to these concepts and I am forever indebted to that.
Also, I think that wanting to be involved with the Masque as well as doing well in school really suited me well. I have a very creative, over active mind. Being in plays really suited me quite well because it was the beginning of articulating my world of imagination to other people. It was also good for me because being involved with plays, especially under Sylvia’s direction, taught me a lot about discipline and priorities at a young age. It actually helped me to become a better student, which I am forever indebted to her for as I am now in a masters degree program.
In many ways, Sylvia and the Masque has left a positive impact on me. Maybe my criticism comes from the fact that often what works for us as a child is not the same as what works as an adult. Yet as my reflection demonstrates, I still bring in a love of the arts, especially theater and literature into my adult world as well. Sylvia and the Masque really nurtured these tendencies of mine as a child, which made me become the person that I am today.
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